Welcome to the final pair of lists in my Monday line-up: two more incomplete ones.
Now, just like with books, I've seen comparatively few TV shows – especially compared to how many movies I've seen – and there are tonnes that I want to watch, so I could well fill a top ten before too long. Actually, I should probably mention that perhaps the two shows I'm most looking forward to diving into are Dexter and Breaking Bad – though, again, there are countless other reputedly great ones that I just haven't had time to watch from the beginning. So far, again exactly like with books, all my top favourites only add up to a top eight.
So, for what it's worth, here's the current list of my favourite TV shows.
#8 = Dinosaur Secrets [AKA Jurassic Fight Club] (2008)
Originally titled Jurassic Fight Club in the US, but for some reason they changed the title to Dinosaur Secrets in the UK. It's a twelve-episode documentary miniseries that recreates prehistoric battle scenes based directly on the fossil evidence. Since I love dinosaurs so much, naturally this is right up my street. :) And in some ways, it exceeded my expectations, especially in that it has the best Albertosaurus design I've ever seen. I feel certain that if I had been a child when this show came out, I would have absolutely worshipped it. It reawakened the dinosaur fanatic in me, bursting with giddy childish joy.
#7 = Blackadder (1982–1989)
This is probably Rowan Atkinson's most famous role along with Mr Bean. The character of Blackadder is always the world's biggest asshole, and that's what makes him so funny: not just his sarcastic attitude, but the fact that he's always far smarter than his superiors. Each series takes place in a different time period, and the set design is always right on the mark. The whole franchise is simply one of the classiest, most dignified and, obviously, funniest comedies I've ever seen. If you were to ask me which is my favourite series, it's a toss-up between the second and the third.
#6 = Top Gear (2002–)
I never watched the show's original run, which began in the 70s; I'm going purely by the 2002 relaunch here. Now, I'm just going to say it straight out: I don't care about cars, at all! Any car specs that are brought up in this show always go right over my head. But the three hosts, for me, are what makes it worthwhile. The way Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond and James May work off each other is utter comedic gold. So it only figures that the show itself has a very comedic spin, with all sorts of wacky challenges to put cars through their paces. :)
#5 = Walking with Dinosaurs (1999)
Another documentary miniseries about dinosaurs. :) But the goal of this one is to recreate the world that the dinosaurs lived in, to make you feel like you've been transported back in time. When I was a child, this is probably the series you'd find me watching most often. I always loved how distinct the six episodes were from each other, with an entirely different ecosystem being portrayed in each environment, be it the harsh Triassic world or the Jurassic fern prairies reminiscent of the African grasslands. The music is incredible, and I just love how you can identify each episode by the score alone.
#4 = The Big Bang Theory (2007–)
Maybe it's just because I'm a big nerd myself, but this show too is just right up my street! :) Not only is it funny, but even if I don't get the references to sci-fi movies or comic books, it still makes me jump for joy to hear them. The characters may simply be nerd stereotypes, but they're still likable enough to keep the show fresh. I especially love Sheldon and the humour that springs from how unemotional and socially awkward he is; maybe I see a lot of myself in him. :) In short, this is another show that just makes me giddy with childish joy.
#3 = Batman: The Animated Series (1992–1995)
This show is just incredible! It's the perfect screen version of Batman because, as it's not limited to a movie's timeframe, it really encompasses everything that's so cool about the Batman universe, and it nails every aspect. In particular, the villains are handled just as well as the turmoil of Batman himself; they're equally three-dimensional characters. On top of that, it's just mind-blowing how perfectly it all balances the line between being mature enough for adults and still remaining child-friendly; it can be watched and loved by any age. Everything about this show rules. To me, it will always be the ultimate incarnation of Batman.
#2 = CSI: NY (2004–2013)
I'm a big fan of mystery stories, especially police dramas like the CSI franchise. Most people seem to prefer soaking up the sun in CSI: Miami, but I've always found New York infinitely more charming. The cases get so over-the-top that, even if it's not realistic, they still stick in your head. But by far my favourite aspect of CSI: NY is the characters: they all simply bring a smile to my face – including, of course, Gary Sinise in his role of a lifetime. It never ceases to amaze me how the CSI writers keep churning out inspired material like this nonstop. :)
And my #1 favourite TV show is… Star Trek (1966–2005)
Which one? Any of them! :) There are five different series (six if you count the animated one) – and, admittedly, so far I've only experienced the Original Series, The Next Generation and Voyager – but the same awesome concept remains intact throughout. It's simply about a research team exploring the universe, to boldly go where no one has gone before, and there's no telling what you might see. The show's main strength is not just the consistently clever ideas, but also the endearing characters. Every single cast is a joy to be around, making you wish you were part of the crew. The first episode I ever saw was Court Martial from the Original Series, and that episode really sums up the whole franchise: having to use wit and logic to overcome a seemingly insurmountable problem in every episode. Simply put, Star Trek is the pinnacle of science-fiction pop culture, and my all-time favourite franchise.
Runners-up: Game of Thrones and Tom and Jerry would probably fill out the list if I were to attempt a top ten now.
And so we come to the final list: my favourite bands. Once again, it only totals out to a top eight so far.
And… yeah, I'm not even going to attempt to explain myself with this one! :) Like I've mentioned before, music is probably the hardest topic for me to explain, since I prefer to just feel it and let it speak for itself. So sorry if this seems like a flimsy conclusion, but there won't be any descriptive captions for this one. What I'm going to do instead is to just list my top five personal favourite songs from each group.
So, in brief, here are my top eight favourite bands.
#8 = Ramones
1. California Sun
2. Somebody Put Something in My Drink
3. It's Not My Place (In the 9 to 5 World)
4. I Don't Wanna Grow Up
5. Baby I Love You
#7 = T.Rex
1. Children of the Revolution
2. Jeepster
3. King of the Rumbling Spires
4. Truck On (Tyke)
5. Get It On
#6 = Metallica
1. One (how appropriate!)
2. Nothing Else Matters
3. Master of Puppets
4. 2 × 4
5. Eye of the Beholder
#5 = Linkin Park
1. Numb
2. What I've Done
3. Breaking the Habit
4. Somewhere I Belong
5. Points of Authority
#4 = AC/DC
1. You Shook Me All Night Long
2. Highway to Hell
3. Back in Black
4. It's a Long Way to the Top (If You Wanna Rock 'n' Roll)
5. Rock and Roll Ain't Noise Pollution
#3 = Guns N' Roses
1. Sweet Child o' Mine
2. November Rain
3. Don't Cry
4. Patience
5. Bad Obsession
#2 = The Beatles
Man, the Beatles have done so many amazing songs that to narrow it down to just five is nearly impossible! But, at the push…
1. Across the Universe
2. From Me to You
3. Something
4. Come Together
5. A Hard Day's Night
And my #1 favourite artist is… Keane
This is another really tough one! I love virtually everything Keane have ever done, so it's more a question of a top fifty than a mere top five! :) But again, I have to narrow it down, so…
1. Everybody's Changing (which is not only my favourite Keane song: it's my all-time favourite song, period)
2. Somewhere Only We Know
3. This Is the Last Time
4. Hamburg Song
5. We Might as Well Be Strangers
Yeah, as you can see, I like a lot of rock music! :)
And, before we end, let me just answer one final question. As I mentioned above, that was just a list of my favourite bands. I'm not really into enough soloists to compile them as a list, but I'd say my absolute favourite soloist is Michael Jackson. And, out of his songs, my top five favourites would be…
1. Smooth Criminal
2. Beat It
3. Thriller
4. The Way You Make Me Feel
5. Billie Jean
And that concludes my set of lists. Thank you so much for reading whichever ones you did. Maybe I'll compile some more in the future, but for now I'm burned out. In the meantime, if you've compiled any lists yourself, I'd love to hear them. :)
So, again, thanks for reading. Take care.
Okay, it's time for a couple of my incomplete lists. I've chosen four of them, all covering some of the more general favourite topics, and I've decided to post them two at a time.
This first pair will be focusing on books. I think I briefly mentioned once before that I haven't yet read enough real masterpieces to fill a top ten list of my favourites. But here's what I've got so far.
These are my top… eight favourite books.
#8 = Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (JK Rowling)
I've stated before that I love the Harry Potter series. It's a toss-up between this and Prisoner of Azkaban for my favourite of the bunch, but I'd say Goblet wins by a hair. This is where the series started to get deliciously dark. Obviously the three tasks of the Triwizard Tournament steal the show, but, as usual, there are also tonnes of great moments in between, exploring themes like Harry's first crush, false information in the press, and especially friendship. The graveyard scene has to be one of the most terrifying sequences in the entire series. Everything about this book kicks ass.
#7 = 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea (Jules Verne)
I'm a big fan of science-fiction, and Jules Verne was one of those writers who could throw in enough informative scientific detail while still telling a great story. Now, I've only read 20,000 Leagues once so far, and it was in my teenage years, so my opinion may not be concrete. But from beginning to end, every scene is memorable, especially the gruelling escape from the South Pole. Not to mention, Captain Nemo is one of the most fascinating characters ever. I loved this book so much from beginning to end that it still continues to be one of my faves.
#6 = Misery (Stephen King)
I only read this one recently, and it's already on the list! :D All I can say is, "Wow!" Not only is it a fantastically matched game of cat-and-mouse, focusing almost entirely on just these two characters, but it's a simply fascinating look inside the mind of a writer. I especially love how vividly Stephen King describes this man's thought process. My absolute favourite aspect of the writing is how a sentence is sometimes interrupted and directly resumed after a brief, italicised paragraph, very much like how thoughts flash through the mind. I'll be very surprised if this doesn't remain my favourite of Stephen King's works.
#5 = The Dancing Bear (Michael Morpurgo)
This is by far the shortest book on the list – really just a novella – but it fills its time unbelievably well. :) The first half is spent setting up the mountain village environment and Roxanne's efforts to get the growing bear to stay. But the book's real power kicks in when it introduces a topic that's right up my alley: the arrival of a film crew! :) The second half is the making of the film, which, as you can imagine, is what interests me most. That's what makes the story for me. And then there's the bittersweet ending and the wonderfully realistic final sentence.
#4 = Jurassic Park (Michael Crichton)
Yep, one of my favourite movies of all time is also one of my favourite novels of all time! :D I don't know if I'd say the book is better than the movie, but it is a lot more detailed, especially on the philosophy of the true magnitude of the scientists' creations. The book's also much more suitably violent, often describing in detail people's gory injuries from the dinosaur attacks. The build-up in the first half is expertly calculated, and then the second half is so exciting that you breathlessly rush through it at lightning speed. What else can I say? I just *adore* Jurassic Park! :)
#3 = Watchmen (Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons)
All right, I know it's kind of cheating putting a comic book on the list, but Watchmen really is that good. With its ambiguous morals and complex, fascinating characters, it revolutionised how superhero comics were written, and it still holds up even today. At its most basic level, it's a murder mystery that leads to the uncovering of something much greater, but there's a tonne of other things going on besides, and nearly every single scene hits bullseye. Plus it's a fascinating look at how superheroes would integrate into a real-world environment. And the ending is a jaw-dropping shock but still a poignant dichotomy.
#2 = Artemis Fowl (Eoin Colfer)
There are eight books in the Artemis Fowl series, but for me, it's a no-brainer: the first one is the best. I can't even begin to describe how much I love this one! I love how the star is a criminal mastermind – and a child prodigy at that. I love the spin this story puts on the image of fairies: how their technology is aeons ahead of mankind. I love each and every character, and I especially love the book's dry sense of humour. It's all just right up my alley, and every single paragraph is pure genius! :) I adore it to death.
And my #1 favourite book of all time is… A Villain's Night Out (Margaret Mahy)
I guarantee you've just thought, "Never heard of it!" :) But trust me when I say you're missing something truly special. Like Misery, it's about trying to write a book, except this time the writer is a young boy forced to write a book for his school library, and the character he's created is appearing in his real life and driving him on. But along the way, the boy's little sister gets in on the act and keeps trying to sabotage his story. The rivalry between the big brother and the little sister basically becomes an all-out war for control of the story, and I frigging love it! :) As a child, I had this book on tape, and I listened to it so many times that, without any exaggeration, it changed the way I talked. It's a fascinating look at what happens when you go with the flow and see how your story turns out first time, even if it keeps being corrupted. I think A Villain's Night Out is simply fantastic, and really deserves more recognition. It's my all-time favourite book.
Runners-up: The Godfather (Mario Puzo) and Macbeth (William Shakespeare) would probably fill out the list if I were to attempt a top ten now.
And those are my favourite books so far.
But, for as few true masterpieces as I've come across to date, there are even fewer books that I actually disliked. Only about five or six, in fact.
So that's the second list for today: my top five least favourite books.
#5 = Treasure Island (Robert Louis Stevenson)
Yeah, yeah, I know! But I have to be honest: for a classic story of pirates and treasure, I found it pretty underwhelming. Maybe my expectations were too high – or just completely off. I guess I was expecting more of an all-out battle for the treasure. But instead, once they reach the island, the two sides hardly ever see each other. In any case, I just found the story slow and clunky. It's not bad for what it is – it does have its moments – but it's just not tight enough to hold my interest. So this was a pretty lacklustre read.
#4 = Mr Majeika on the Internet (Humphrey Carpenter)
Now, the Mr Majeika books are obviously intended for young children, but I still enjoy reading them; most of the stories are solid. But this particular one is garbage! Being who I am, I just can't help getting picky about some glaring inaccuracies that are presented on how computers work. But I doubt I would have been drawn in even if it had got that stuff right. Rather than a retread of Gulliver's Travels, I would have preferred if the actual world of the Internet had been personified in the same vein as TRON, by making programs, websites and hardware visual and metaphorical.
#3 = The Ghost of Thomas Kempe (Penelope Lively)
I can't exactly remember why I didn't like this book, but throughout most of it, I was really just bored off of my ass. Maybe I didn't care about any of the characters, or maybe the writing style was too dreary, or maybe the book was too repetitive – I don't know. It just never wowed me at all, not even when the ghost starts doing progressively terrible things. I just remember I read it on someone else's recommendation, and I put Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets on hold to read it (which, coincidentally, was also rather disappointing, as I'd seen the film first).
#2 = Little Foxes (Michael Morpurgo)
It was actually hard to choose whether I disliked this or The Ghost of Thomas Kempe more. I decided to go with Little Foxes because I know Michael Morpurgo is more than capable of stories that genuinely tug on your heartstrings – that's what he's good at. But this one, for some reason, just doesn't work, though it tries to. I don't mind depressing stories, but they have to be intentionally so. When a movie or book fails at what it's trying to do, that actually depresses me more than a deliberately depressing story! :) In any event, there's just no joy in this one.
And my #1 least favourite book is… The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time (Mark Haddon)
Oh, God! Hate this one! All the other books on this list just kind of underwhelmed me, but this is the only one that made me genuinely angry! Now, don't get me wrong: I can see why it's so popular; since the whole thing's written in the first person, I too commend Mark Haddon for staying so consistent with the character's dialect. But that's also where my whole problem with the book stems from. I hate this character with a fucking passion! I don't begrudge him simply for being autistic (I myself have Asperger's syndrome), but he still annoyed the shit out of me. I just couldn't stand his juvenile approach to everything; he's fifteen years old, but acts like he's about seven! If I met this guy in real life, he'd be lucky if he got ten minutes in my company before I made my excuses and left, let alone spend a whole novel with him! Maybe I'm being too impatient with him, but I don't care! Purely because of him, this was, hands down, the single worst read of my entire life.
Runner-up:
• The Turn of the Screw (Henry James) made no sense to me because I couldn't make head or tail of the nineteenth-century prose.
So that covers both my favourite and least favourite books. Check in next week for the final pair of lists: my favourite TV shows and bands.
Well, anyone who saw the list of my favourite movies last week is probably wondering what's at the other end of the spectrum. It's time to count down the absolute worst movies I've ever seen.
Now, keep in mind, this is a personal list. So you're not going to see The Room on here, or Plan 9 from Outer Space or Troll 2 or Manos: The Hands of Fate or any of the statistical worst movies ever made. Maybe they would be in the running if I'd actually seen them, but it seems many of them are so bad they're hilarious. No. These are the ones where just thinking about them makes me cringe; they hit me in my deepest core of anger!
Keep in mind also that this is going purely by what I've seen to date. There are a fair few movies I haven't seen that look like they'd be deserving of a spot on this list, like Baby Geniuses, Catwoman and the entire oeuvre of Seltzerberg.
This was originally just a standard top ten list, but I came up with five close runners-up, so I had to make it a top fifteen instead.
Now, usually with my lists, I limit the captions to about a hundred words except for number one. But in this case, I just had to break that mould for number two as well, because I feel so passionate about both the top two here.
Oh, well. Let's get this over with. These are the top fifteen movies I hate the most.
#15 = Journey Back to Oz (1974) – not to be confused with Return to Oz (1985)
An animated sequel to the classic Wizard of Oz, with Liza Minnelli taking over the role of Dorothy from her mother Judy Garland. Sounds ideal? It's not! This is a movie that's very obviously intended only for kids. Very little kids – toddlers! The dialogue is at an infantile level, which, even for me watching it as a kid, was insufferable to listen to. It's a shame, because the story itself is actually pretty well set up and put together. But the dialogue is so bad, so obviously marketing only to its intended audience, that it really does make for an irritating experience.
#14 = Jaws: The Revenge (1987)
This is about as low as a sequel can get! :) Everything about it, right down to the premise, is utterly moronic. One moment that really sums it up is when the shark is giving chase by wriggling through a passageway in a shipwreck: it's just too stupid even to laugh at. Really, the extent of imagination in this movie is having it take place at Christmas instead of in the summer. :) The fourth instalment in a film series very rarely works anyway, but this has to be one of the worst offenders. It's a movie that makes you feel dumber for sitting through it.
#13 = Boa vs. Python (2004)
This is another movie where you really shouldn't expect much – it's a monster movie with giant snakes – but it hits rock bottom so disastrously that it can't even be enjoyed as a genre flick. The story, for the most part, plays out like a typical creature feature, but what kills it is how terribly made the movie is. The acting is awful, the CGI is cartoonish, and worst of all is the random editing. There's just no enjoyment to be gained from its ineptitude. But the movie's absolute nadir is when an eighty-foot reptile eats a woman out before, you know, eating her!
#12 = The Garbage Pail Kids Movie (1987)
I only became aware of this movie because of the Nostalgia Critic's review. I don't venomously hate it the way Doug does, but it's still one of the most unpleasant movies I've ever seen that's supposedly intended for kids. The whole movie's shot in the dark, characters are constantly trying to be cruel in some way, and the story is almost nonexistent, often focusing on the Kids just doing nothing. But worst of all is the "romance" between the little boy and the subadult girl, which is wrong on so many levels! It just makes for a very miserable experience.
#11 = Sucker Punch (2011)
Just, and I mean just, escaping the top ten is this loathsome action fantasy co-written and directed by Zack Snyder. I already talked about it in my least favourite movies of 2011 list, so I don't want to repeat myself too much. It's just so downright mean-spirited that it really left a scar in my soul. I know the idea is that this girl retreats into her mind to escape the cruel world, but she never gives us a reason to like her as a person in the first place, so it just comes off like the filmmakers being cruel for the sake of it.
#10 = The Cavern [AKA WIthIN] (2005)
This was the directorial debut of Olatunde Osunsanmi – and it won't be his last appearance on this list! :) Much like Boa vs. Python, this is a movie so disastrously inept that it's not even funny. The performances are all God-awful, and the writing is outrageously stupid, so that's already bad enough. But worst of all is how the exposure or focus or whatever is handled: there's so much colour bleeding that the picture is simply ugly to look at. Just because it's a low-budget movie is no excuse to get basic filmmaking techniques wrong. Oh, and the ending is absolutely deplorable!
#9 = BloodRayne (2005)
Director Uwe Boll loves to adapt popular video games into abysmal movies, and the entire Internet hates him for it. This and Alone in the Dark are the definitive examples of why he's so terrible, but the main reason I hate this one more is because I'd seen a review of Alone in the Dark before the movie itself, which somewhat lessened the effect for me. But I knew nothing about BloodRayne going in, which is why I was royally pissed off at how awful it was. Bad editing, horrendous acting (Ben Kingsley is somehow the worst of all) and a poorly written story.
#8 = Bad Boys (1995)
I've seldom been more flat-out annoyed by a movie. During the first half, I was literally tearing at my hair every five minutes! And that's before we even get to Marcus's lie that dominates the storyline – the photographs scene being perhaps the worst of all the resulting embarrassingly forced scenarios! The second half goes from excruciating to straight-up boring, but one thing consistently drove me nuts: half the dialogue is yelling, usually for no reason at all. Michael Bay is by far my most hated director – he's the bane of my existence – and talk about being doomed from the very start!
#7 = Bloodrayne II: Deliverance (2007)
As much as I hated the first BloodRayne, it is God in comparison to this movie! This sequel, also directed by Boll, is so fucking bad it gives me a headache! The camera work is distractingly shoddy, with the camera always swaying around like the cameraman's drunk! The story bears no connection whatsoever to the first movie, and yet acts like we're supposed to know who characters are. Some scenes drag on for so long that the movie grinds to a complete halt. And worse than all of that, it's boring! It's sinfully boring! It's only a hundred minutes, but it feels like five hours!
#6 = Postal (2007)
Okay, I swear this is the last Uwe Boll movie! :) Of the few movies of his that I've seen, I view this as easily the worst, because it's supposed to be a comedy. Whereas his other movies can be enjoyed because they're unintentionally funny, this one is just uncomfortable, because there's nothing worse than when a joke falls flat and you're left sitting in awkward silence. It's a movie that thinks overweight women are funny, people fucking overweight women is funny, children getting gunned down is funny, a baby in a pram getting smushed by a truck is funny, and other similar distasteful jokes.
#5 = The Hunchback of Notre Dame II (2002)
I haven't seen many of the direct-to-video Disney sequels, but it looks like most of them are definitely worth avoiding. I actually didn't voluntarily watch this one – I happened to be in the room when someone else put it on – and it was one of the most unwelcome experiences of my life! It's just like Journey Back to Oz: it's playing to the lowest common denominator and making the dialogue so kid-friendly that it just made me cringe listening to it. Not to mention, it completely ruins the subtlety of the original film. It's a movie that thinks kids are stupid enough to watch anything.
#4 = Rugrats in Paris: The Movie (2000)
I've long since grown out of the first Rugrats movie, but I can at least give it credit that it did its job: it appealed to fans of the original show and upped the ante. Rugrats in Paris is the real deal. It sucks! Oh, God, it sucks! It's a movie so childish that the grown-ups sometimes talk more like children than the actual children! Of course, all the French characters are played by American actors and speak English twenty-four-seven. The animation is admittedly good, especially the moody shadows in some scenes, but it's just not an interesting adventure. And the climax is embarrassingly silly.
All right, now we're getting to the ones that I positively loathe with a fiery passion! And it just so happens that the top three worst movies I've ever seen all came out in 2009! Now, there's an unfortunate coincidence! :)
#3 = The Ugly Truth (2009)
This movie is despicable! It's a shockingly sexist romantic comedy that's offensive to both men and women. All women are portrayed as shrewish control freaks who can only liberate themselves sexually, and all men are portrayed as base simpletons who only care about sex because they don't know any better. I know it's a comedy and it's meant to be exaggerated, but does this movie exist in any realm of reality?! I think the reason that annoys me so much in this case is because it's all to do with sex, and to me, that's a subject you don't fuck around with.
#2 = The Fourth Kind (2009)
Olatunde Osunsanmi again! :) This movie definitely elicited my most violent reaction watching a movie. I was so pissed off by the time it was over – just felt so downright insulted and angry – that it took me a whole week to recover from the shock! I was so offended that I'd been expected to enjoy that, let alone take it seriously! It's bad enough that the acting is horrendous and the story is so vapid and slow-moving, but the movie boasts a stupid running gimmick where it tries to claim it's real by playing the supposed "documentary" footage alongside the dramatisation, which is one of the most distracting things I've ever come across! I've never seen a gimmick just completely take you out of the movie like that does!
And the #1 absolute worst movie I've ever seen is… Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009)
Good God! There's no way I'm sticking to my hundred-word limit on this one! I could write a whole dissertation on how shitty this movie is! Honestly, I'd rather watch any of the other movies I just listed than Transformers 2. I'd rather watch a marathon of all those other movies than sit through Transformers 2 again! I hate this movie so much it's palpable! If they could somehow make power plants out of hatred, then my disdain for Transformers 2 could power the entire Eastern Seaboard for the next five hundred years! Why? Because it's a movie that has no respect whatsoever for its audience's intelligence, treating them like sheep who'll mindlessly flock to see anything with the Transformers name on it. It's insultingly stupid (and I mean way beyond stupid!), it's long, it's vapid, it's manipulative, it's unfocused, it's terribly shot, it's terribly acted, it's terribly written, it's insufferably boring… Everything that defines a bad movie for me is on display here! And the fact that it had such a big budget makes it even worse! It cost two hundred million dollars! There's no excuse! No fucking excuse! Transformers 2 is the perfect example of my seething hatred for Michael Bay. Fuck him – and this movie in particular – right… to… HELL!!!
…Phew! Wow, I really ranted a lot in that last one! :) But it's no exaggeration; Transformers 2 really is the ultimate fuel for my rage!
So now I'm going to go and take a big deep breath, 'cos I was getting so angry there!
Well, that's my last full top ten list, I'm afraid. But obviously I don't want to end on such a negative note, so next week I'll share a couple of the unfinished lists with you – maybe what I've got so far for my favourite books, TV shows and musicians/bands.
Late this week, I got back into the swing of watching movies every day. I've long since lost the passion, the drive I used to have for writing reviews; it's just becoming a chore by now. I now have all the more respect for people who can keep it up long-term! :) Therefore, I'll be keeping with the style I adopted towards the end of last year: basically turning my reviews into a diary of what I saw each week, and keeping the reviews themselves short and sweet.
They won't always be as short as they got last year, though. There aren't too many movies that give me much to say anymore, but whenever I do come across such a movie, I'll elaborate to something more closely resembling the 200–250 words I used to write.
That actually ties into my next point. Like I said, I only started late on in the week, so this was a very quiet week indeed: only two movies I hadn't seen before. But those two movies happen to each be an example of one of the two cases I just mentioned: one of them gives me more to say than the other. :)
The first was Face/Off – which I made sure to watch before the Nostalgia Critic's review because I'd heard good things about it and didn't want that review to be my first impression of it.
Face/Off (1997)
I was intrigued by this movie's premise: a secret agent and a terrorist swap faces and pretend to be each other. But, sadly, it turned out to be the kind of action movie I don't typically enjoy.
First of all, the overabundance of action scenes and all the panning shots… any movie that reminds me of Michael Bay is not on good terms!
But more importantly, the first action scene, for me, sums up why this movie doesn't work. The characters are barely set up at all before they're thrust into a big action scene, so it's hard to get invested. And when the entire premise depends on playing another character, you really need to make sure the characters are fully developed and understood. We know absolutely nothing about them before they're transformed, so we don't have a clue what they're supposed to be like as each other aside from the basic disposition.
Also, the film is so stylish that that actually works to its disadvantage. For example, in the Mexican standoff scene at the end, what does it do once the guns start firing? It goes into slow-motion, which completely ruins the impact.
Now, what did I like? Well, John Travolta and Nicolas Cage are both excellent, especially at playing both personalities and demonstrating how they clash. I also really like the "let's kill each other" scene with the mirrors.
But overall, this movie puts style so firmly before substance that it's distracting and disappointing.
My rating: 50%.
Juno (2007)
I'll be honest: when this film started, I thought I was going to hate it, what with all the made-up slang. But, as the film progressed, I began to gradually grow more fond of these characters, to the point where I was completely along for the ride. To me, that's the mark of a good drama (comedy or not): how much you get invested. The performances are all top-notch, and Jason Reitman's direction strikes the perfect tone. It's also been quite a while since I came across a movie that even inspired me to buy the soundtrack! :) The only slight disappointment is that it doesn't really go into how the pregnancy affects Juno's school life. But overall, this is a funny and increasingly charming movie.
My rating: 75%.
Well, we're now nearly a week into 2014. How's the new year been treating you so far? :) One week down and only fifty-one to go!
And this week, I couldn't possibly have picked a better topic for the first list I post in the new year! :D It's time to reveal my absolute favourite movies.
Now, I really count every movie I rate five stars (and that includes 4½ stars, or 9/10) as a favourite, but there are obviously some that I favour above all others. But, really, I just love movies so much that a standard top ten just wouldn't cover them all. Neither would twenty, for that matter. So I'm actually going to make it a top thirty list! These are the top thirty movies that I consider truly special. I would never be so arrogant as to say these are the thirty best movies ever made; they're just my personal favourites.
If you've seen a lot of my lists so far, you might even be able to predict what some of my top choices are going to be. But now's the time to lay them all down.
So these are the movies that mean the most to me, the ones that stand head and shoulders above the crowd.
I present to you, my top thirty favourite movies.
#30 = a tie between Alien (1979) and Aliens (1986)
Ridley Scott's Alien, about a group of people in an isolated spaceship being hunted by a creature that none of them understand, is an undisputed masterpiece of horror and science-fiction – as well as rich in visual poetry. James Cameron's sequel, about the one survivor from the original joining a team of marines on a mission to rescue colonists on the alien planet, is a fantastically intense action movie, also one of the best of its kind. Both have their own strengths, and even though I think I slightly prefer Aliens because of how much more inventive and exciting it is, I love them both.
#29 = A Clockwork Orange (1971)
The plot follows Alex, a psychotic and despicable teenager, as he undergoes an experimental new treatment that takes away his choice, transforming him into an upright citizen – only to find out the hard way that the "civilised" world also has violent tendencies. The movie creates a world where teenagers run rampant in gangs, and I especially like how the "droogs" have a whole distinctive slang vocabulary. But what really holds it together is Alex himself: he's a savage beast, but he's still intelligent and well-spoken. It's one of the most psychologically fascinating movies ever, confronting issues like choice, violence and human nature.
#28 = Ed Wood (1994)
It's a biopic of the B-movie king, Ed Wood, who's famous for making some of the so-called worst movies of all time. Anyone who wants to go into a creative medium, especially film, should definitely see this movie. It makes fun of Ed Wood just as much as it celebrates him. It mocks him by acknowledging what made his movies so terrible, but celebrates him by making him relentlessly passionate and driven in spite of it all. It playfully urges you to never give up on pursuing your passions and dreams, because, as the movie itself says, visions are worth fighting for.
#27 = The Social Network (2010)
An account of the legal disputes that went into the founding and ownership of Facebook. This movie does something truly remarkable, which is to take a story that centres on computers and actually make it exciting. :) One moment that sums it up is the hacking scene at the beginning: thanks to David Fincher's flawless direction, it actually gets you pumped up. The movie in general is about smart people (what a relief!) who are greedy not for money but simply to create the next big thing. Apart from the depiction of Mark Zuckerberg himself, I hear it's also pretty accurate to the true story.
#26 = Watership Down (1978)
A group of rabbits encounter countless dangers on their quest to find a new home. This is easily one of the darkest animated movies I've ever seen. Fiver's vision at the beginning, and a flashback later on, are the stuff that nightmares are made of. It shows quite a bit of gore, too! It should have at least been rated PG! But like all good dark kids' movies, it never feels gloomy. We always know in the back of our minds that it's building up to a happy ending, which makes the dark nature of the adventure all the more thrilling.
#25 = Inception (2010)
Dom Cobb, a career thief who specialises in invading people's minds through dream technology, is given a chance at redemption. This movie is conclusive proof that you can make a big-budget blockbuster without making it brainless! :) At its core, it's a very simple concept. But the plan that Cobb and his team devise, and the rules the movie sets up for the dream world, are so ingenious that it keeps you on the edge of your seat from beginning to end. The first half is gradual build-up and exposition, then, once the characters put their plan into action… just, wow!
#24 = Up (2009)
An elderly man attempts to keep a promise to his late wife by tying thousands of balloons to his house and flying away to a faraway place they've always dreamed of. Anyone who tells you animated movies are just kids' stuff, you point them in the direction of this movie! :) The characters' affection and thirst for adventure strikes a perfect chord – as does the core idea: I think everyone dreams of flying. The dogs with literal voice boxes are an awesome idea, too. :) Overall, it's a spectacularly heartfelt drama and an immensely fun adventure. It's easily one of Pixar's finest works.
#23 = The Descent (2005)
Six women get trapped underground in an uncharted cave system, and soon discover they're not alone. This was the movie that got me into horror films. It succeeds in so many ways, especially in its ideal setting, its low-budget, authentic look, and most importantly, genuinely likable characters. The really clever part is how the first half plays on your natural fears, making the cave an enemy in itself before the monsters even appear. When I came back out of the cinema after seeing this, I was not the same! It still holds the record for the scariest movie I've ever seen.
#22 = Hot Fuzz (2007)
A London police officer is reassigned to the country, where he encounters a series of what he alone is convinced are murders. As you may already know, this is my all-time favourite straight-up comedy. Every time I see it, there's always like a dozen jokes that I missed! It's obviously spoofing police movies – both detective stories and action-fests – but there are also tonnes of little jokes that you miss the first time around, and even the second time around. The punchy camera work and editing adds even more to the comedic effect. So thank you, Edgar Wright, for the all-time funniest movie I've ever seen! :)
#21 = Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989)
Indiana Jones must rescue his father and prevent the Nazis from getting their hands on his notes on the location of the Holy Grail. With the Indiana Jones series, it's definitely a toss-up between Raiders and Crusade, but my favourite's Crusade. What I like best is the father/son relationship: Indy and his father make an amazing comedic double-act. :) Also, whereas Raiders is just nonstop entertainment, this one features an equally clever treasure hunt story while also developing the characters further. Add some of the best action scenes ever filmed and an utterly nail-biting climax, and you have a truly wonderful sequel.
#20 = Rear Window (1954)
My favourite Alfred Hitchcock movie, as you may already know. It's about Jefferies, a photographer recovering from a broken leg, who passes his time spying on his neighbours through his rear window, and begins to suspect that one of them has committed murder. I think everyone knows what's so clever about it: the whole film takes place in the one location, which puts us right alongside Jefferies, trying to solve the mystery without ever leaving his apartment. I also really like how every neighbour has their own story going on. All in all, it's nothing less than the work of a master.
#19 = Let the Right One In (2008)
I haven't read the novel – not yet at least – but this film very much impressed me. It's about a thirteen-year-old boy, outcast and bullied at school, as he finds a friend in the girl next door, who turns out to be a vampire. I always said that this was Twilight done right! :) It's about two lost souls who find salvation in each other. The relationship they share isn't about sex: it's about friendship and support. The film is also astonishingly well directed, especially in terms of atmosphere. It's equal parts heartfelt drama and truly unsettling horror, and it all blends together perfectly.
#18 = Pulp Fiction (1994)
Probably Quentin Tarantino's most popular movie – certainly my personal favourite. The plot is kind of hard to explain, seeing as it's really a couple of intertwining plotlines, all focusing on violence and redemption. But of course, the main attraction of this movie is that Tarantino dialogue. The conversations are some of the most fascinating ever written. But what the countless Tarantino imitators forget is the context of the dialogue: it works here because they're, for example, hitmen saying these things to kill time before doing a job. That's what makes us latch onto these characters: it makes them seem more human.
#17 = Rocky (1976)
It's the ultimate Cinderella story, about a small-time boxer who gets a chance to fight the heavyweight champion. But while the story is very basic, what makes it so captivating is how much you relate to Rocky, the underdog who wants to live a big dream. Of course, the most iconic image is the training montage where he runs up the Art Museum steps to the song Gonna Fly Now. The music by Bill Conti is a major driving force, and may be the main reason the ending actually does get me a little teary-eyed. It's just an all-around feel-good film.
#16 = Star Wars: Episode V – The Empire Strikes Back (1980)
This is easily the best of all the Star Wars movies, and it's the one that I immediately think of when I think of Star Wars. It involves Luke getting to the nitty-gritty of his Jedi training, while his friends are chased by the Empire. Everyone says this is the best-acted and most emotionally strong of the Star Wars series, and they're right. :) In particular, what makes the climax so potent is that Luke has abandoned his training early and may be vulnerable to temptation by the dark side. To top it all off, the action and special effects are absolutely first-rate.
#15 = 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)
Hands down, best Stanley Kubrick film. I don't think I'm breaking news to anybody when I say that a lot of it is told through visuals and music; there's no dialogue at all in either the first or last half-hour. There's no concrete explanation of what you're seeing; you're left to interpret it for yourself. So you'll either love it or hate it for that. Obviously you know which side I'm on! :) From beginning to end, every scene is memorable. There's not really a plot per se, but all the individual sections are connected by a common theme: the evolution of mankind.
#14 = It's a Wonderful Life (1946)
An angel is sent to convince an indebted man not to commit suicide, and he does so by showing him what the world would be like if he was never born. While it's obviously become a Christmas classic, this is still a wonderful movie at any time of year. The first two thirds of the movie is spent setting up the character of George Bailey and what drives him to contemplate suicide. But of course, he ultimately realises what a wonderful life he really has, with so many good things worth living for. And that's what makes the ending so powerful.
#13 = WALL-E (2008)
Some more Pixar for you! :) Set in the future, when Earth has been consumed by litter and abandoned, a lonely cleaning robot named WALL-E finds a new purpose in life when he comes across another robot, EVE. The first half is mostly told visually, talking little but saying volumes – pretty rare for a kids' movie. Some people don't like the second half as much, but I'm one of those people who just adore the whole thing. I love how the movie sets up a very believable world run by technology, but it never loses sight of the robot love story at its heart.
#12 = Back to the Future (1985)
Marty McFly travels back to 1955 in a time machine invented by his friend Doc Brown, and accidentally prevents his parents from falling in love, thus threatening to prevent his own birth. This is one of the definitive time travel movies, and it's right up my alley! :) Every character is irresistible, every little component is memorable, and the script does a brilliant job balancing tonnes of details while maintaining an ingenious sequence of events, every one of which has a purpose. It all leads to one of the most suspenseful and exciting climaxes in cinema history. In short, it's simply fantastic.
#11 = Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991)
A Terminator is sent back in time to kill the young John Connor, the future saviour of mankind, while another Terminator is sent back to protect him. I've stated it before, but this truly tops the original on every front. It's much more action-packed than its predecessor, as well as rich in themes and questions about what's morally permissible to avoid genocide. What really makes it a truly superb action movie is that it puts its story first; the action is all the more exciting because it actually has a purpose. Any way you look at it, it's a masterpiece.
And I figure it's only appropriate to throw in a break before I count down the top ten.
…Okay, break over! :D
Here are my top ten favourite movies…
#10 = The Godfather (1972)
The aging patriarch of the Corleone family is ready to hand his leadership down to his youngest son, Michael. This is one of those movies that's kind of hard for me to explain why I love it so. Of course it's recognised as one of the greatest movies ever made, and I too instantly fell in love with it the first time I saw it, but why? I think it's mainly because the characters appeal to you in that they're a family, and a very close one at that. That's what keeps the story so riveting from beginning to end.
#9 = Mary Poppins (1964)
Mary Poppins, a magical nanny, brings joy to the very strict Banks household. This, to me, is the perfect family film. It has all the charm and wonder that a great kids' movie should, and watching it again as an adult, I find the character development is excellent too. Even George Banks, the strict father, isn't beyond hope; I especially love when the focus shifts to him at the end. Top it all off with some utterly irresistible music and songs, and you have something that anyone can enjoy. Walt Disney himself said this was his company's finest achievement. I agree! :)
#8 = The Incredibles (2004)
After superheroes have been outlawed by the government, a family of supers teams up to face their toughest enemy yet. This is perhaps the ultimate animated action movie. It has a great story bursting with clever ideas, characters who are actually intelligent and resourceful, not to mention action scenes that genuinely get your heart pounding, which is rare for an animated film. It even takes the time to poke fun at some superhero movie conventions. It's a movie that leaves me amazed at how clever it is. It just has hit after hit after hit. Only one Pixar movie left now! :)
#7 = Toy Story (1995)
Anyone who lives on planet earth has got to love this movie! :) Everyone knows the story: Woody feels threatened when Buzz Lightyear arrives and threatens to replace him as Andy's favourite toy. This was Pixar's first feature film, and it revolutionised animation. And, like all good kids' movies, it's actually intelligent, with plenty of wit and charm to satisfy all ages. It perfectly represents how toys might really act if they did come to life. This movie was a huge part of my childhood, and still remains my favourite Pixar film. Along with Mary Poppins, I'd highly recommend it to every single family.
#6 = The Dark Knight (2008)
Batman struggles to contain the chaos unleashed by the Joker – portrayed here as a just plain psychopathic, anarchistic criminal mastermind. This sequel to Batman Begins ups the ante to indescribable heights because the villain is not out to destroy the hero, but to corrupt him. The script does a fantastic job at tackling the themes of ethics, anarchy and personal responsibilities, and really stacking up high stakes on the characters' decisions. It's one of the most intense and exciting superhero movies ever made. It's the kind of movie where, at the end, you sit there watching the credits roll, thinking, "Wow!"
#5 = Spirited Away (2001)
This movie is so good, it actually goes beyond belief! It's basically about a young girl who ends up in another world run by spirits, and has to work in a bath-house in order to survive. I think of this as sort of a demented retelling of Alice in Wonderland – a beautiful world with an ever-present sense of mortal danger. It's amazing how this world is filled with tonnes of creative visuals, but it's never so overwhelming that it's distracting. The music is just frigging fantastic, and the whole movie just leaves me speechless. It's definitely one of Studio Ghibli's biggest trademarks for a reason.
#4 = Jurassic Park (1993)
A small group of people are given a tour of a theme park built around cloned dinosaurs, but that night all hell breaks loose. I think the main reason I love this movie so much is that it combines two of my favourite topics: dinosaurs and technology. :) The special effects, of course, were jaw-dropping at the time, and are still impressive even today. I absolutely worshipped this movie as a kid, and now, as an adult, I love it more each time I watch it. I love the effects, I love the characters, but most of all, I love the story.
#3 = The Snowman (1982)
This film alone is why I decided to include animated shorts on this list! :) It was originally only feature-length films, but I just love The Snowman too much to possibly exclude it. It's about a boy who makes a snowman, which comes to life and takes him on a magical adventure. It's basically an animated silent film, told entirely through visuals and music, and I think that's why it works so well. The music itself is absolutely beautiful, and adds all the more punch to the visuals. I always end up bawling like a baby watching The Snowman! It's just pure screen magic.
#2 = Sunshine (2007)
This movie is just phenomenal! Perfect writing, perfect pacing, perfect acting, perfect directing, perfect effects, perfect music – it's all just… well, perfect! :) The premise is that a team of scientists are sent to reignite the dying Sun and save mankind, so the idea of saving the world in a scientific way makes it easily the most epic movie I've ever seen. And watching the problems keep piling on, threatening to destroy the mission and doom humanity, is absolutely nail-biting. Every time I finish watching this movie, I'm completely awestruck and hardly able to stand. I consider it the ultimate sci-fi thriller.
And my #1 favourite movie of all time is… 12 Angry Men (1957)
Why? One reason mainly: the dialogue! :) The lines are just perfect! Every single line gives me chills, especially when put in context of what the characters are trying to achieve. It's about a jury trying to determine the guilt or innocence of a boy accused of murdering his father. The clever part is that we never know the truth for sure; all that matters is what these twelve jurors decide. Director Sidney Lumet uses various cinematic techniques to create a marvellous increasing sense of claustrophobia, but the movie's main driving force, again, is the dialogue. This is a movie I could watch a million times and never be tired of it! I love it so much that one of my dreams is to direct my own stage adaptation of it. It's gripping, it's expertly minimalistic, it's extremely quotable… it's my all-time favourite movie.
Runners-up:
If I were to extend the list just a tad bit further, then the top ten of all the runners-up would be…
• Amadeus (1984) brilliantly represents Mozart and Salieri's dangerous passion for music while still being whimsical and fun.
• Beauty and the Beast (1991), I already covered in the Disney top ten list.
• Citizen Kane (1941) really does live up to its reputation, featuring a great character study and amazing cinematography.
• Dr Strangelove (1964), I already covered in the top ten other favourite comedies list.
• The Good, the Bad and the Ugly (1966) is an epic masterpiece that depicts a savage world where sharp wits and sometimes even deceit are required.
• Jaws (1975) works so well because it creates a flawless sense of realism, which sustains the tension until the very end.
• The Jungle Book (1967), I already covered in the Disney top ten list.
• Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind (1984) creates irresistible characters, environments and situations, and the final climax is just incredible.
• North by Northwest (1959), I already covered in the Hitchcock top ten list.
• And The Wrong Trousers (1993) is my favourite of the Wallace & Gromit shorts, a true masterpiece in terms of comedy, action and animation.
Thanks for reading. Whether or not you agree with my picks, I hope you enjoyed the list. If you haven't seen any of these movies yet, I highly recommend you give them a watch.
…But, with the good must also come the bad. :( So, coming next week, my absolute least favourite movies.
