2012 in Film: My Favourites and Least Favourites

   Well, it’s the last day of 2012, so it’s time to look back on my personal experience with cinema throughout the year, picking out my favourite and least favourite movies.
   Now, something I want to clarify before we start is what exactly qualifies as a release for this year. Well, my criterion is simple: the movie just has to have been released to the general public in 2012. So if a film premiered at film festivals and the like in an earlier year but wasn’t officially released until 2012, that still counts. Likewise, if a film has only seen the light of day at film festivals so far this year, it doesn’t count. Besides, I won’t have seen it anyway!   Speaking of which, keep in mind that I didn’t see absolutely everything that came out this year, in some cases because I wasn’t able to. Part of the problem is that, due to my living conditions, I don’t have easy access to a cinema. It’s not much of a problem for movies released early in the year, because I can rent them when they come out on DVD. But for films released in, say, August onwards, if I miss them in the cinema, that’s it.
   If you’ve been following my “first impressions” posts, you might even be able to predict what some of my choices are going to be. And if you have been reading those comments, then a lot of this list is probably going to be simple repetition for you. But regardless, now’s the time to lay them all down.
   Something else I want to point out is that, at least out of the films I saw, I didn’t think any movie this year was either spectacularly good or spectacularly bad (except for one). It’s not like last year: none of this year’s movies met the soaring high standards set by Source Code and The Artist. And there were a lot of movies that I really disliked, but there was only one that offended me so much that it shook me to my core and left a scar, like Transformers 3 and Sucker Punch did. All the other bad movies I saw this year were just kind of forgettable.
   So, without further ado, let’s start talking about them. :)

   Before I get into my top ten least favourite movies of the year, let me just briefly call out a few possible contenders that I didn’t see. After all, this year boasted quite a few movies that I’m pretty sure would have been in the running had I seen them. For example, I didn’t see the remakes of Total Recall and Red Dawn, or Madagascar 3, That’s My Boy, The Apparition, House at the End of the Street, Paranormal Activity 4, The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure or, as you can probably guess, Twilight: Breaking Dawn – Part 2, just to name a few. If a movie gets bad reviews, I usually end up checking it out just to see if it’ll make my list, but One for the Money was the only movie this year that I avoided at all costs for very personal reasons: I can’t stand Katherine Heigl.
   Also, there’s something about cinema in general this year that really got on my nerves. This seemed to be a year of abundant alternate titles! For example, The Avengers is called Marvel Avengers Assemble (or just Avengers Assemble) here in the British Isles, The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists! is called The Pirates! Band of Misfits in the US and some other circles, The Samaritan (with Samuel L Jackson) is called Fury here, Get the Gringo (with Mel Gibson) became How I Spent My Summer Vacation, The Raid: Redemption became just The Raid… To quote the Angry Video Game Nerd, that really brings my piss to a boil! Alternate titles cause nothing but confusion! Just keep ’em the same!

   Anyway, on to the actual list! 
   Number ten: Savages. I didn’t expect to put an Oliver Stone movie on the list, but I don’t think I’ve cared less about what’s going on in any other movie this year than I did during this one. A lot of the dialogue just went in one ear and out the other, so I didn’t really understand the characters’ motivations. And I just didn’t care about the characters themselves, so the whole movie was so flat that even the violence was underwhelming. And it’s all topped off by terrible jokes and an absolutely rage-inducing twist ending. Easily my most boring cinema-going experience of the year.
   Number nine: The Cold Light of Day. In many ways, this is the hardest movie on this list to talk about, since there’s not really anything horrendously awful about it: it’s just unbelievably lifeless and uninteresting. It’s all pretty much just one chase scene after another, which gets tiresome really quickly because there isn’t a good story backing it up. The story, when it does stop to explain it, is impossible to follow or care about. The action itself looks really amateurish at times, too, especially the fight following the first chase. It’s all just dull and unremarkable. One of the least exciting action thrillers I’ve seen in quite a while. 
   Number eight: Cosmopolis. Another major disappointment from someone whom I know is a good director – in this case, David Cronenberg. Maybe it’s a faithful adaptation of the novel it’s based on, but to me, it just seems like one of those annoyingly style-fuelled art house films. Almost the entirety of the movie is philosophical dialogue. Now, I’m not inherently against dialogue-fuelled movies (hell, my favourite movie of all time is 12 Angry Men!), but this movie’s dialogue is not the least bit interesting. Maybe it’s supposed to be satirical, but it’s instantly forgettable. As a result, the movie as a whole just drags endlessly. 
   Number seven: Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance. At least this sequel has better special effects than its predecessor: instead of early PS2 graphics, now they look like PS3 graphics! :) There’s also a spectacularly awesome sequence where the Ghost Rider takes control of a crane. But the biggest problem with this movie, aside from it being drab, is that it has the overall feel of a direct-to-DVD movie, especially in how it’s shot and edited. I actually can’t believe this got a theatrical release! On the whole, it’s still better than the original, though. They’re both terrible movies, but I’d say the sequel is the lesser of two evils. 
   Number six: WE. This is worse than a horrendously bad film: it’s a frustratingly flawed one. The story focuses on King Edward VIII’s abdication for the woman he loved; it could have been a straightforward historical drama and served as a companion piece to The King’s Speech. But instead, it makes a bullshit attempt to parallel the story to a modern-day fictional character! Oh, go away! Also, why didn’t they just get an American actress to play Wallis Simpson? Andrea Riseborough’s accent is impossible to take seriously! Basically, this movie had a lot of potential, but failed spectacularly to live up to it. 
   Number five: Act of Valour. Instead of actors, this movie’s cast is real Navy SEALs. …Need I say more? Maybe the idea was to make this war movie seem more authentic, but the fact is that none of them can act. That might be forgivable if the movie itself were of good quality, but it’s not. The characters are all dull as well as poorly acted, and the set pieces feel almost like video game levels. But the major problem is how astonishingly boring the movie is – and I mean boring! It’s so boring that it’s downright depressing. Its only saving grace is that it is mercifully forgettable.
   Number four: Battleship. I honestly can’t believe we actually have directors trying to imitate Michael Bay now! That has got to be a new cinematic low! Still, at least this movie actually has a plot and sticks to it, unlike the works of Michael Bay himself. I clearly remember the characters’ goal is to prevent the war with this alien race from ever happening. The first two thirds, just like Act of Valour, are insufferably boring. But the last act had me thinking this could have been simple dumb fun – if it weren’t trying to be a Michael Bay imitator! (Seriously, that’s just really sad!)
   Number three: A Thousand Words. I don’t think this is quite as bad as the 0% rating on Rotten Tomatoes would imply, but it’s still one of the most annoying comedies I’ve seen in quite a while. The premise would take too long to explain, but basically Eddie Murphy’s character can’t speak. So every single scene is just painful to watch because you know what he’s going to do, you know how it’s going to backfire on him. In fact, there’s one particular scene that very nearly made me shut the movie off! And I hate the movie all the more for trying to get emotional towards the end. 
   Number two: This Means War. Probably the most worthless movie of the year. It’s a romantic comedy that’s not the least bit funny (Reese Witherspoon’s best friend is especially annoying) and sure as shit isn’t romantic! Our two leads are just fighting over this woman like she’s a prize to be won. It’s objectification of women at its most disgraceful. It tries to be a spy action movie on the side, and that aspect sucks too. Basically, this movie is degrading and rotten to its core. I guess the only thing keeping it from the number one spot is that it’s directed by McG, so what did you expect?
   But like I said before, only one movie this year truly left a scar.
   Number one: The Devil Inside. Oh, God! No amount of bad reviews and low ratings could have prepared me for this! This one was pure, utter torture to sit through, with an aggravating first half, a downright boring second half, and the absolute worst abuse of the “found footage” gimmick I’ve ever seen. In fact, several times while watching the movie, I had to pause it and collect myself! If that’s not enough to call it the worst movie of the year, I don’t know what is! It’s not just the worst movie of the year: it’s the worst horror movie I’ve seen since The Fourth Kind!

   Runners-up: Gone, Hard Boiled Sweets, Mirror Mirror, Piranha 3DD, The Raven and Think Like a Man. 

   And now let’s wash those ten awful tastes down by talking about the movies at the other end of the spectrum! :) These are my top ten favourite movies of 2012. 
   Again, keep in mind that there were a fair few movies I didn’t see. For example, I didn’t see Sinister, A Royal Affair, The Sapphires, Life of Pi, The Master, Rise of the Guardians, and again that’s just to name a few. But perhaps the movie that I’m kicking myself the most for missing is Dredd. Though most of the time my reason for missing them is that, like I said before, I just don’t have easy access to a cinema, there are a few that I haven’t seen simply because they haven’t been released yet here in the British Isles. For example, Lincoln, Flight, Hitchcock, Wreck-It Ralph, Les Misérables and Django Unchained came out in the US during the closing hurdles of the year, but it’ll be quite a while before I get to see them, since they don’t come out here until January and February.
   So here’s the long and short of it: if there’s a movie that you think really should be on this list, chances are I either haven’t seen it or I just didn’t like it as much as you did.
   So, without further ado, here we go. 

   First I want to throw in one particular runner-up, Iron Sky, as an honourable mention. These three words alone should tell you all you need to know about this movie: Nazis in space! :) The premise is that the Nazis have been hiding out on the moon since 1945, it’s now 2018, and they’re ready for round two. This is one of those movies that doesn’t take itself seriously and doesn’t expect you to either; you just sit back and have some fun with some high-flying ideas. And for that, it’s the epitome of awesome! Basically, it’s this year’s Attack the Block: a blast of entertainment with its heart in the right place and its tongue firmly in its cheek.
   And now on to the actual list, starting with number ten, 21 Jump Street. I haven’t seen the TV show it’s based on. I don’t know if it’s played seriously or not, but this movie certainly isn’t. It’s a comedy, which is what I’d expect of a movie about two cops going undercover as high school students. Jonah Hill and Channing Tatum have fantastic chemistry that makes this the funniest movie of the year. It even succeeded in making me laugh out loud at a dick joke – that very rarely happens, if at all! I don’t remember many specific jokes, but I do remember the movie bringing me constant merriment throughout, and for that, it was a treat.
   Number nine: ParaNorman. This was a really big year for both horror movies and stop-motion animation! This and Frankenweenie combined the two into affectionate horror spoofs, but I prefer this movie by far. It boasts a brilliant script that manages to combine humour, horror and emotional punch all in one and, more importantly, blend it all together seamlessly. The stop-motion animation itself is also remarkably seamless. It’s one of the best family films I’ve seen in quite a while. I probably would have enjoyed it a lot more, though, if it hadn’t been for some kids across the aisle who just would not shut up! 
   Number eight: The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists! (known in the US as The Pirates! Band of Misfits). Speaking of stop-motion, it’s such a joy to see Aardman Animation go back to that classic style that first brought them fame with Wallace & Gromit. And as a pirate movie, I liked this far more than any of the Pirates of the Caribbean movies. It’s funny, genuinely heartbreaking when it wants to be, and the idea of pirates finding an alternate way of getting rich is justified brilliantly. The Pirate Captain himself is a wonderful character, and Queen Victoria is one of my favourite funny villains. I think this is far and away the best thing Aardman has done since A Close Shave. 
   Number seven: The Angels’ Share. This is a delightfully bittersweet comedy about a young punk in Glasgow trying to turn over a new leaf. It seems like a predictable story at first glance, but as it progresses, you really do grow to like the main character and want to see him come out okay. Nearly all the jokes hit their mark, even when the joke is on the protagonist. But the main thing the movie did for me was the last half-hour. I’m not going to say exactly what happens, but I will say it’s just fantastic in how morally ambiguous it is. Definitely check it out.
   Number six: The Perks of Being a Wallflower. It’s about an outcast junior in high school who’s taken under the wing of two seniors. Like The Angels’ Share, it’s a familiar story done wonderfully. I was really surprised at how much I enjoyed this one. In many ways, this is the polar opposite of Project X, since I actually wanted to be part of this school environment. The characters are all likable, so I started to genuinely root for them and wanted to see everything work out for them. In short, it’s perhaps overly sentimental, but completely irresistible. Plus, it’s pretty cool whenever the author of the original book directs the film adaptation! :)
   Number five: The Raid (known in the US as The Raid: Redemption). In an age overflowing with big-budget CG-fests, it’s so refreshing to see an old-school martial arts action flick on the market. Sometimes, just seeing men pitting their strength, speed and wits against each other is so much more exciting than an exaggerated “epic” spectacle. I couldn’t even watch this movie without making some kind of verbal reaction to each blow like, “Ooh!” “Aw-haww!” The premise is that a SWAT team’s target has ordered all the tenants of the apartment complex to attack them, so it makes sense that the action is almost nonstop: these guys just can’t catch a break!
   Number four: Argo. It’s an unbelievable true story, and director Ben Affleck brings it to the screen magnificently. I haven’t yet seen Gone Baby Gone, but I think I can quite safely say this is Ben Affleck’s best directing job to date. The atmosphere of fear in the midst of the fierce Iranian uprising is captured flawlessly; the tension in every scene is palpable. The climax might seem a bit too cinematic, if you know what I mean, but the edge-of-your-seat suspense still never lets up. Ultimately, it stands as a testament to the power of courage and teamwork – and one exciting ride.
   Number three: Avengers Assemble (known in the US as simply The Avengers). What else can I say, really? It’s The Avengers! :) It truly is a miracle of a superhero movie – basically a film version of an event comic. It delivers in spades all the edge-of-your-seat action and character development you’d expect, but it also has the bonus of Joss Whedon’s magical touch. His writing leads to some laugh-out-loud hilarious character-driven comedy. It can be enjoyed in its own right, but seeing the four Marvel movies leading up to it adds so much more. This was at number two for most of the year, but ultimately got bumped down to number three by another Joss Whedon-penned project…
   Number two: The Cabin in the Woods. Talk about underestimating a movie! I’d heard good things about it, but hadn’t expected it to completely blow me away! This is one of the best horror movies I’ve seen in a long, long time – not one of the scariest, but certainly one of the most unique. It looks like an Evil Dead remake at first glance, but it features a twist that turns the whole horror genre inside-out! It’s truly remarkable how the plot finds a way to satirise horror movie conventions without shoving it in your face. I think this movie is a truly inspired and stupendous work of genius!
   And number one: The Dark Knight Rises. I know some people found this movie to be a letdown, but I’m not one of them. I do agree that it’s flawed, particularly one aspect of the twist at the end. But on the whole, I was more than satisfied with it, especially with the fantastic villain in Bane and the plot involving his bringing both Batman and Gotham City to their knees. I remember when I left the cinema, I was so elated that I didn’t care if a car hit me right then and there, because at least I’d die a happy man! :) It’s my favourite movie of the year.

   Runners-up: The Amazing Spider-Man, Chronicle, The Hunger Games, Iron Sky (which I already mentioned), Looper and Skyfall. Ted just fell short.

   And those are my lists. Whether or not you agree with my picks, I hope you enjoyed reading them. Now let’s wait and see what 2013 has to offer.
   So have a great New Year, and I’ll see you on the other side. :)

First Impressions: "Jurassic Park: The Game" (VG)

   I was up all night last night playing Telltale's Jurassic Park: The Game. 
   Now, Jurassic Park is one of my favourite movies of all time, so this is probably the Telltale movie-licensed game that I was looking forward to the most. Plus, from the trailers, it looked scary as fuck! 
   The story takes place parallel to the first movie, and I was afraid it might ruin the film for me. But some of the ways they develop the story are actually pretty clever. For example, we get some insight into what the island was like before John Hammond bought it. Other parts are expansions to the world of the park that just had me scratching my head – but as the game progressed, I began to just go with the flow and enjoy it for what it was. 
   But what really kills the game is the control. The whole game is based on quick time events, and they're the most annoying kind that I've seen. The icon indicating which button to press appears on the screen at pure random, and you're only given a fraction of a second to press the right button. (It's partly for that same reason that I'm one of those people who didn't like Heavy Rain.) So if you're anything like me, on each stage of each dinosaur encounter, you're guaranteed to die a few times trying to memorise the right pattern of buttons – which, half the time, isn't made clear anyway! 
   Overall, this game's okay. It does suffer from controls that can be frustrating if you're not used to them, but it does feature some awesome story moments to look forward to. (And the key word there is "some"!) It's certainly not a patch on Telltale's Back to the Future or The Walking Dead games, though. 
   My rating: 65%.

First Impressions: "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" (Stieg Larsson)

   Well, I finished reading The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo earlier today. And my conclusion is: it was brilliant.
   Like I've said before, the first few chapters really take their time to build up the characters.
   The middle section is good but not entirely captivating; I was far more interested in Salander's story than Blomkvist's.
   But the second half of the book… just, wow! I couldn't put it down!
   Without actually giving away the outcome of the mystery, I will say that several revelations made me go, "Jesus, man!"
   The only major problem with the book is that a lot of it deals with bureaucratic mumbo jumbo that's all double Dutch to me. I could still get the basic gist of it, though.
   So I thoroughly enjoyed this book, but I think I'll take a bit of a break before reading the second and third. I think it's about time I reread the Artemis Fowl series.
   My rating: 90%.

First Impressions: "Think Like a Man" + "Cosmopolis" (2012)

   This week's pair of rentals are Think Like a Man and Cosmopolis.
   But before I talk about them, I also want to point out that my copy of the Dark Knight trilogy box set arrived today! :D And in terms of how the discs are secured in place, it has to be the strangest DVD case I've ever seen! It's kind of hard to describe; you really just have to see it. It's not one of those buttons that holds the disc by the middle – you know the way. Instead, there are these two spring things that hold the disc at the bottom, so you have to push the disc downwards (horizontally) to release it. Have you ever seen a box set like that? Other than this and the Back to the Future Blu-ray set that James Rolfe mentioned in You Know What's Bullshit, I haven't!
   To sum up that sort of DVD case, I think OMD said it best: how bizarre! :D But it's simple when you know how. :)
   Anyway…

   Rental 1: Think Like a Man.
   It's based on Steve Harvey's book Act Like a Woman, Think Like a Man, which basically instructs women on how to be a keeper in a relationship. I'm pretty sure the book's incredibly sexist!
   Still, making a movie based around that book is actually not a bad idea. But what they do with it… is about as predictable as it gets. I'm usually not the kind of guy who complains about clichés, but this movie didn't surprise me at all. And it didn't even make up for that by giving me endearing characters. They're all just dull archetypes: some are full of themselves, one's pussywhipped, they all change their ways over the course of the movie and blah blah blah. We've seen it before. It's been done well before, but it's not done well here.
   It's an astonishingly long movie, too, with no regard for pacing.
   On the whole, it could have been worse, but I still wouldn't recommend it.
   My rating: 40%.

   Rental 2: Cosmopolis.
   It's directed by David Cronenberg, so, going in, I thought it was safe to assume that it was in safe hands. But alas, the movie turned out to be one of the most insufferably boring experiences I've had all year.
   It's more like an art house film than anything else. The cinematography is totally bizarre, with all kinds of weird, uncomfortable angles. And all the dialogue is just overly philosophical mumbo jumbo.
   Maybe it's all supposed to be a satire of modern society, but it's not a very accessible one! It's all just random encounters and uninteresting dialogue.
   I don't get it. I'm sorry. Maybe I'm not smart enough, or well enough informed, to get it. Maybe I don't know what all the rats symbolise. Maybe the themes of the future and capitalism are lost on me. But I don't care that I don't get it!
   So, technically speaking, Think Like a Man was probably the worse of the two movies. But personally speaking, man was Cosmopolis a tough sit!
   My rating: 35%.