2013 in Film: My Favourites and Least Favourites

   Well, it's that time of year again. The time when I, along with so many other people, look back on the year that's passed and pick out my favourite and least favourite movies.
   Now, depending on what country you live in, your perception of what came out this year may be completely different from someone else's – particularly if, like me, you live in the British Isles, where movies from the States can sometimes take months to cross the pond. So perhaps I'd better explain my own criteria for what qualifies for my end-of-year recap. Unlike IMDb, I judge strictly by when a movie is released to the general public. So films that have, as yet, only seen the light of day at film festivals are ineligible in my book. I also don't count movies that were released in one country in an earlier year but didn't make it into another until the year in question. This is so I don't cheat and include movies like Django Unchained and Wreck-It Ralph, which were released in the US late in 2012 but didn't make it to the UK until the first couple of months of 2013.
   And keep in mind that this is going purely by what I've seen myself. I do try to see as many movies as possible for the sake of these lists, but there will obviously be some that, for whatever reason, I never got round to. It's been like that every year, but this year I suffered an especially unfortunate blow in the form of a financial setback that meant that, for six weeks, I wasn't receiving any income, so I had to cut down almost completely on expenses. But, despite everything, I came through and ended up with a good variety of movies both good and bad! :)
   But before I get into the specifics on that front, I feel compelled to sum up 2013 cinema as a whole. Honestly, this was a terrible year for movies! It had a greater number of soul-crushing low points than any other year I can think of, and even the best-of list had a miserably subpar line-up of candidates compared to previous years. I hardly saw any movies that struck me as real masterpieces. Hell, there were only a couple that I even gave five stars!
   I also have to say, I'm amazed at just how many movies we had this year based on true stories! :) The Conjuring, Captain Phillips, 12 Years a Slave, Rush, Diana, Behind the Candelabra, Lovelace, Pain & Gain, The Iceman, Jobs, The Frozen Ground, Saving Mr Banks, and I'm sure the list goes on to at least double that length! Like, what was the obsession with fact-based dramas this year?
   Well, now that I've got the general remarks out of the way and delayed this as long as possible, let's get to the actual lists! :) If you've regularly been following my "first impressions" reviews, you might even be able to predict what some of my top choices are going to be. But now's the time to lay them all down.

   I don't know about you, but I prefer to start with the bad news so that the good news seems so much more rewarding. :) So here come my top ten least favourite movies of 2013. Among a year chock full of failures, these are my picks for the worst of the worst.
   But first, I'd better spotlight a few movies I haven't seen for which I've heard a lot of negative buzz, movies that you might be disappointed aren't on my list. For example, there are several sequels that I avoided simply because I haven't seen their predecessors yet: The Last Exorcism Part II, Fast & Furious 6, The Smurfs 2, Machete Kills, Red 2, and above all, Grown Ups 2 and Scary Movie 5. Neither did I see Ender's Game (because I want to read the book first), The Call, Insidious: Chapter 2, the Oldboy remake, Getaway, Stranded or RIPD, just to name a few. I also want to give a special mention to Suddenly: bad enough that it's an Uwe Boll movie, but it's also a remake! And then there's Jobs and Paranoia… neither of which show any sign of a British release yet.
   All right, enough stalling! :) On with the list…

   First of all, I just can't let one particular runner-up, Man of Steel, go without a special mention. Let's ignore the injustice done to the Superman character and just look at it as a standalone movie. It keeps building up that Superman will be a beacon of hope, an inspiration to the people. Well, too bad the movie doesn't practise what it preaches! Because dear God, this is one of the least inspiring movies I've ever seen! Everything about it is dull, depressing and soulless. Needless to say, I'll take the Richard Donner movies and the Animated Series any day. I tried my best to keep this on the list, but there just turned out to be ten movies that I hated more.

   And here they are…

#10 = The Heat

I was really dreading this one, not just from the promotional content, but because it's from the director of Bridesmaids, another movie I despised. And, while it turned out not to be as excruciating as I feared, it was mostly kind of messy, especially with a false transition to the third act that made the movie seem overlong. The opening scene royally pissed me off for making every cop unprofessional and incompetent just to make Ashburn look better, and the scene where Mullins rants about the captain's balls was a joke that went on way too long. Still, the climax was admittedly pretty good.


#9 = Pain & Gain

Because of my seething hatred for Michael Bay, this is probably the one I wanted to see the least. It's not as sickeningly loathsome as Bad Boys or Transformers 2 or anything, but it is agonisingly boring for the most part. It's a two-hour movie, but it feels more like four! I think it's mostly because the characters are such idiots that it's just not interesting to watch them constantly making such blinding mistakes. But, much like The Heat, it does perk up a bit towards the end; the scene where they're trying to dismember the bodies is actually pretty funny.


#8 = After Earth

I get the feeling this was a pet project of Will Smith's: to make a movie with his son in the starring role. But what they came up with is one of the worst executed sci-fi concepts ever. The script is beyond awful, with more lapses in logic than I can even count. For example, last I checked, baboons and bison didn't live in the same area! But the big one that constantly drove me nuts is how the duration of those air filters is so inconsistent. And I can predict the "fear is a choice" thing becoming another infamous Shyamalan meme.



#7 = A Good Day to Die Hard

To say this is by far the worst Die Hard movie is an immense understatement! This is one of the dullest, blandest, most generic action movies you'll ever see, complete with the constant shaky cam that pollutes the action genre today. The plot is so poorly established that it's at least half an hour before you have a clue what's going on or what's at stake. The hero might as well not even be called John McClane. The original Die Hard is one of the most perfect action movies ever made, so it's really disheartening to see the franchise degenerate to this point.


#6 = Movie 43

This is a movie that mistakes plain and simple vulgarity for humour. The result is an anthology of some of the most unfunny, repulsive sketches you'll ever see in your life, be it Anna Faris asking her boyfriend to "poop" on her like it's the equivalent of proposing engagement, or Hugh Jackman sporting a scrotum on his neck! So why isn't it higher on the list? Because, as hard to watch as it was, I was actually kind of bizarrely fascinated by it: like, "How did they come up with this shit?!" The top five, however, elicited violent emotional responses; they made me angry.


#5 = Passion

Boy did this one piss me off! It's a remake of the French-language film Love Crime, which I haven't seen, but it must surely be more fleshed out than this piece of shit! This movie is so shallow and oversimplified that it's almost like it was purposely made just to annoy me! The characters, especially the smug manipulative bitch Christine, are so one-dimensional that it strips their rivalry down to complete bare bones, and it just leaves me angry at the creative team for expecting me to take it seriously. The only redeeming factor is Dani, the only sensible character in this entire travesty.


#4 = Walking with Dinosaurs: The 3D Movie

I hated this movie from the moment I first saw the trailer – not just because it's a misguided, annoying, condescending mess, but because it took something that I genuinely cared about, something I loved as a child, and violated it! Walking with Dinosaurs was a serious documentary miniseries that attempted to portray dinosaurs as they really were; now they've turned it into a crass would-be comedy with talking dinosaurs [groan!] and an all-too-familiar Moses story. Words can't even begin to describe how betrayed I feel! They took Walking with Dinosaurs… and made it a children's movie! They completely destroyed everything that it stood for!

   All right, now for the top three. It was actually really hard to choose between these ones, because they were all absolutely atrocious. But here's the order I settled on…

#3 = Free Birds

It's about turkeys who travel back in time to try and stop people from eating turkey at the first Thanksgiving! It's every bit as moronic as it sounds, and the fact that it's so painfully unfunny makes it even more unbearable! The President pardoning a turkey, a turkey somehow speaking English to order pizza, the turkeys of the past being Native American allegories for some reason… practically every single scene had me facepalming! This movie should become a poster child for the sorry state of children's entertainment these days. It just blows my mind that anyone would greenlight this, would actually invest money in it!

#2 = Only God Forgives

I've heard this movie was booed at Cannes, and I don't blame them! Forget the disgracefully slow pace and the uncomfortable level of red in the colour scheme; the movie's biggest sin is how it handles its depravity. The characters are completely devoid of personality, so all you're left with is the actual horrible acts they commit. Simply presenting violence without any context is just downright unpleasant and mean-spirited. I particularly lost it when the mother tries to defend her son's raping and murdering a teenage girl: I actually said out loud, "NO! No, there is no excuse for that!" It's a truly reprehensible film.

And #1 = The Purge

Fuck me, this is a dumb movie! Other people have already detailed how ludicrous the whole concept of the Purge is; even a sieve doesn't have as many holes as this plot! It's trying to make a statement about poverty by pretending it understands the criminal mind. But more importantly, the characters are complete morons! The invading party makes it clear that the family will be left alone if they just give them the guy they want, so why young Charlie insists on hiding the guy, risking killing the whole family, is quite beyond me! It's just all-around one of the most insufferably stupid movies I've ever seen, and that's why it gets my vote as the absolute worst movie of the year.

Runners-up:
• The Bling Ring leaves you stuck with an ensemble of the most annoyingly bratty bubbleheads I've ever seen.
• Diana, while not quite as bad as its reputation, is about as sappy and bland as it gets.
• The Host is also unbearably sappy, which ruins a promising alien infestation premise.
• Man of Steel, I already mentioned.
• Olympus Has Fallen is hideously boring and takes itself way too seriously; there's no sense of escapism to it.
• Stoker, considering Park Chan-wook's track record, was probably the year's biggest disappointment.
• And World War Z is not only boring, but sometimes unforgivably uses shaky cam to censor the violence.

   So that's the worst-of list. And there was no shortage of candidates! There were so many uninspiring, unimpressive duds that I seriously considered extending the list to a top twenty.
   But there were a few bright spots in that sea of disappointment! :) They weren't that bright, though – especially compared to the best of last year: The Cabin in the Woods became one of my new favourite movies. I'm not sure if any 2013 movies will end up joining the ranks of my all-time favourites, but the ten I'm about to list still stand proudly above all their peers.
   Now, again, my somewhat pessimistic assessment may be a tad premature, because I didn't see everything this year. There are a few movies I missed that sound like they might have been relatively enjoyable, like Riddick, About Time, 2 Guns and The Wolverine. But perhaps the one that I'm kicking myself the most for missing is Philomena. There's also 12 Years a Slave, American Hustle, The Wolf of Wall Street and the Coen Brothers' Inside Llewyn Davis, which sadly don't come out until January here in Britain. I'm also really looking forward to when Hayao Miyazaki's final film, The Wind Rises, finally makes it overseas.
   But, out of what I did get to see up until the last day of the year, here are the ten movies that made 2013 slightly more bearable…

#10 = The Croods

After Free Birds made me lose all hope in modern children's entertainment, this movie restored that hope. :) It's not a stunningly clever, layered family film or anything, but it's a laugh riot from start to finish. A lot of the humour stems from this family of cavemen discovering new things and slowly abandoning their primitive savage ways, and almost every joke hits its mark. And the characters are so likable that the sentimental turn the movie takes towards the end works really effectively too. It's a movie that both children and adults alike can have a tonne of fun watching.

#9 = This Is the End

This is another one that, for the most part, doesn't aspire to be anything more than hilarious. I think the main reason it's so effective is the simplicity of the premise: how many jokes can we make about a bunch of celebrities holed up in this one house during the apocalypse? Maybe the movie bites off more than it can chew by examining faith at the end, but it still keeps up the same humour all the while, so it never feels out of place. How can you not love sarcastic demons? :D It all just made me laugh a lot; that's all I really needed.


#8 = Batman: The Dark Knight Returns, Part 2

The conclusion to the animated adaptation of Frank Miller's classic graphic novel (which I haven't read yet). It's definitely the darkest, most brutally grisly Batman story I've ever seen – especially regarding the Joker – but it's also, in just about every respect, the perfect swan song for Batman. It goes into what he means to the public, which ultimately proves to be his greatest foe. I especially like how its themes and plot points are very different from part one, but it's still very well connected; they definitely seem like one whole. And the climactic battle with Superman is nothing short of spectacular.

#7 = The World's End

What a coincidence to have two apocalyptic comedies with such similar names within the same year! :) This, the dream team of Simon Pegg, Nick Frost and Edgar Wright's third collaboration, is not quite as good as Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz, but it still brings constant merriment, so it's really a treat. I especially like how, contrary to the other two films, Pegg plays the wild and free character while Frost is the stick-in-the-mud. And the moment that first reveals what's happened to the town is hilarious not just for what happens, but because of just how out of the blue it is. :)

#6 = Frozen

Disney does it again with a splendid animated feature inspired in part by the Snow Queen fairytale. It's all the more surprising considering the trailers made it look painfully unfunny. But the film itself turned out to be a witty, very well written and endlessly charming work. The characters are so lovable that they draw you in instantly, so even the overly modern jokes that annoyed me in the trailer actually do work in context. Plus, there's one particular plot thread that becomes an expert satire on how brief Disney romances can be. :) This could potentially become one of my new Disney favourites.

#5 = Thor: The Dark World

I'd point to this movie as a masterpiece of building momentum. The first act, while often laugh-out-loud funny, isn't all that compelling. But as it progresses, each scene adds to the previous one so seamlessly that the audience's investment and excitement rises like a straight, constant incline – to the point where I was on the edge of my seat during the portal-hopping climax. It's not much more than a typical action blockbuster, but with enough wit and enough focus on its simple premise to be consistently entertaining. Ultimately, I enjoyed it even more than the first Thor; it's more focused and more consistent.

#4 = Gravity

This is a good, solid thriller whose single greatest strength is how perfectly it nails the illusion of being in space. The way they simulate zero-gravity is utterly convincing, right down to the minutest details, and the cinematography adds all the more to that by making the camera seem like it too is floating. This flawless recreation of space also enhances the desperation of the story, as Sandra Bullock's character succumbs more and more to loneliness and the pressures of the danger she's in. Plus, I saw it in IMAX, and I could go on forever about how well it suited the format! :)


#3 = The Way Way Back

This is one that I really underestimated. I had a feeling I'd enjoy it, but I didn't expect it to be this endlessly funny and charming! :) It's about fourteen-year-old Duncan, who's forced into a summer vacation with his mother and her new boyfriend, but a welcome distraction is provided when he finds friends in the oddball staff of the local water park. Duncan's new friends, as eccentric as they are, are so delightfully funny and charismatic that I couldn't help but share whole-heartedly in the relief that their company provided. In fact, I honestly didn't want to leave them, they're so much fun! :)

#2 = Superman: Unbound

After the miserable Man of Steel, this movie was a frigging godsend! :D I mean, talk about the complete opposite! It's an adaptation of a comic book story arc that was written before every superhero story decided it needed to be The Dark Knight, so it's fun, good-natured and paints Superman in the inspirational light he should be. The story itself is fantastic, too. It involves Superman attempting to rescue the captured Kryptonian city of Kandor from one of Brainiac's glass jars, while also preventing Brainiac from reaching Earth – so he has a more personal goal as well as the safety of the world at heart.

And #1 = Rush

It's an account of the 1976 Formula One season, especially the rivalry between James Hunt and Niki Lauda. And boy is it aptly named! :) It's such a rush that even someone who doesn't give a shit about Formula One (like me) can still find it exhilarating. Like a good sports movie should be, it's more about the people than the sport itself, and their passion (as well as the filmmakers') is conveyed so effectively that the audience can't help but share in it themselves. James and Niki are both really likable in their own ways, but neither one is completely blameless, so I ended up rooting for them both perhaps equally. On top of that, the cinematography is great, the action is great, the acting is great… It's just a thoroughly masterful, and clearly deeply passionate, film. It's my favourite movie of the year.

Runners-up:
• Captain Phillips is far more interesting than its terrible title, especially in Tom Hanks' performance.
• The Conjuring, though not truly scary, is still one of the best crafted horror films in recent years.
• Don Jon is a funny, thoughtful and relevant look at relationships, particularly in how they're two-way streets.
• The Kings of Summer is a captivating and dryly humorous coming-of-age drama with a great lead trio.
• Monsters University, despite having no reason to exist, is still relentlessly fun and enjoyable.
• Pacific Rim is a masterful blockbuster that's basically what the Transformers movies should have been.
• Prisoners' single greatest strength is the never-ending sense of realism to both its tone and its characters.
• Saving Mr Banks is a poignant and irresistible work about how one of the definitions of childhood came to be.
• And Star Trek Into Darkness is a superior sequel to the first JJ Abrams Star Trek that's sadly let down by its ending.

   And those are my lists. If you seriously disagree with my picks, or if there's a movie that you feel really strongly should have been on one of the lists… well, that's why they're my own lists! :) If you want your opinion to be heard, all you have to do is make a list of your own. I'm sure most of us know better than to try to tell someone else that their list is "wrong".
   Now let's wait and see what 2014 has to offer. I certainly hope it doesn't produce as underwhelming a library of movies as 2013 did. At least it's shaping up to be pretty interesting, with The Lego Movie, the new Godzilla, Christopher Nolan's Interstellar, and a whole slew of sequels with big shoes to fill: How to Train Your Dragon 2, Rio 2, X-Men: Days of Future Past, The Amazing Spider-Man 2, Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Sin City: A Dame to Kill For (it was a long wait for that one!), Muppets Most Wanted and Dawn of the Planet of the Apes. There are also a couple that I'm already dreading, though. For example, I've heard that even Hunger Games fans don't like Mockingjay. But personally, I'm most gritting my teeth for Transformers 4; I'll be very surprised if it turns out not to be the worst movie of the year! In any event, I could use a better year than the one I just had, so here's hoping for it. :)
   Thanks for reading. See you round.