In North America, you can find almost every kind of climate and habitat you can imagine, from frozen tundra, to deserts, to swamps, to prairies. So there’s a great variety of animal life there, too. Our itinerary starts in the frigid north. Got your parka on?
Don’t fall into that icy water! Unlike this polar bear, you could be dead in minutes! One of the reasons polar bears can stay warm here in the Arctic, whether they’re loping across the ice or paddling through the water, is because the hairs in their fur are hollow, so they fill up with air and insulate the bear from the cold. That’s also why polar bears sometimes turn green in zoos where the water is stagnant. Green algae grow inside those hollow hairs. Oh, this bear is getting ready to come out of the water! Let’s get out of here!
Oh, dear! It’s another bear! But at least it’s occupied. Those little Arctic foxes can prove pests to polar bears, often following them like little kids follow big ones. By the way, polar bears are white all year round (except for those green ones I just mentioned), but Arctic foxes turn brown or grey in the summertime.
Oh, brrrr! I can’t feel my toes anymore! Let’s head south to milder Alaska.
Oh, I certainly hope the fish keeps this big fellow occupied! Brown bears, like this grizzly, are the largest predators on land. They now live mostly in Alaska and northern Canada, as well as a few spots in the Rocky Mountains. But when Europeans first crossed North America, these bears also roamed throughout the Great Plains. Personally, I find it amazing to think that these fearsome beasts were the inspiration for one of the most popular toys in all the world: the teddy bear! The real bears aren’t quite so cuddly!
Oh, dear! Now look who’s shown up! Wolverines have been known to make even mountain lions and grizzlies give up their kills! They’ll eat almost any meat, whether it’s freshly killed or it’s been dead for days. They tear up carcasses and stash the pieces in a lot of different places, so they’ll have food later on. Sometimes, they tear up cabins and tents in search of food. Now, if that wolverine wants your sandwich, hand it over!
Listen to that! The music of the north! It may sound frightening, but it’s nothing to worry about really. When a pack howls, they’re just saying, “We’re over here!” Now, most other wolves interpret that as also meaning, “This is my territory. Stay out.” But scientists have discovered that a few packs of wolves interpret the howls as an invitation to a fight! These bands of bullies zero in on the howling bunch, and try to beat them up and steal their territory. So, no howling, please! It would be just our luck to attract one of these rogue wolf packs!
Just a short commute, and here we are in the San Juan Islands of Washington State. You can take off those parkas now. We’re in luck! Look at this pod of killer whales. These marine mammals (which are also called “orcas”, by the way) use echolocation to find their prey, just like submarines use sonar to keep track of objects around them. Some of my diving friends say that orcas can project sound so forcefully that, if you’re in their path, you can actually feel the sound waves bounce off you! Their mouths are full of very impressive teeth. But, thank goodness, orcas are not interested in echolocating humans for dinner. They’re after salmon and seals.
And now, it’s back on the plane and off to the mountains. Really, who designed this tour?!
No closer now, folks! This cat does not appreciate petting! Did you know that mountain lions once roamed nearly everywhere in North America? But today, you’ll find them only in more remote areas, like these mountains in Idaho. Occasionally, these animals have been known to board passing trains somehow and hopped off in urban parks. Cougars in town! That gives both the city folks and the big cats quite a scare!
Now, where did I put my coat? Oh, never mind. The next stop is Florida – where I can thaw out my toes!
Ah, warm weather at last! You might be surprised to find that there are over two hundred species of crab spiders in the meadows of North America. Some blend in with their backgrounds almost perfectly. These spiders are not dangerous to people – although any spider can bite, believe me – but to bees and other insects, they’re deadly. When you go flower picking, check out the blossoms carefully, or you may hand your sweetheart a bunch of crab spiders!
Oh, my! Don’t touch that fellow! You could get a painful rash from a puss moth caterpillar. They can squirt formic acid when they’re upset. Some people call them “tree asps”, as if they were venomous snakes. Personally, I think that’s going a bit overboard. But then, everyone has his little phobia. Anyway, if you see one, don’t pick it up. Both you and the caterpillar will be happier!
Well, really, there seem to be buggy things crawling around all over this place! I suppose that’s only natural. Insects outnumber humans hundreds of thousands to one, after all. Sometimes, the very thought gives me nightmares! Why, if insects ever got organised and decided to fight humans, we’d be helpless! But, fortunately, that would happen only in the movies. They have only teeny tiny brains after all, and they seem to focus their aggressions only on each other. Still, stay out of the way of these battling stag beetles! They might grab you by mistake, and those pincers hurt!
Now, if there’s one thing I can’t abide, it’s an overly friendly reptile like this fellow! Oh, yes, they’ll smile and sidle right up to you, and next thing you know, they’ve got their teeth sunk into your leg! Never trust them, that’s what I say. They get like this because some people who live along the rivers and canals in Florida think it’s fun to feed alligators from their boat docks. But it’s never a good idea to teach wild animals to associate food with people. Imagine finding this fellow scratching at your back door for supper!
Now, here’s something that you might like to find in your backyard. It’s a rather fearsome-looking spider, but it’s smaller than your fingertip, and it eats mosquitoes and other troublesome insects. Spiny orb weavers, like this one, live all across the southern US, from Florida to California.
Oh, first it was cold and damp, now it’s hot and damp! I’m starting to feel like the proverbial limp dishcloth! Let’s zip over to Arizona and dry out, before my athlete’s foot starts acting up!
Ah, warm, dry air at last! …What’s that? Oh, not to worry. It’s just a little Gila monster. …Yes, it is venomous. But a Gila monster would do almost anything rather than fight. As a matter of fact, if you got bitten by one, the response you’d most probably get from the local wildlife authorities is, “Well, just what were you doing to the Gila monster?” And if you say, “Trying to catch it,” you may be in for a fine as well as a medical bill! Because it’s against the law to capture Gila monsters in many places. So remember, if you grab a Gila monster, you may end up needing both a doctor and a lawyer! That thought is certainly enough to make me stay far away from these lizards! Let’s just walk on.
Oh, dear! Here’s a creature I’m all too familiar with! There are scorpions all across the southern United States, and certainly down into Mexico. Believe me, it’s always more desirable to discover a scorpion by sight rather than by touch! If you want to avoid finding out what a scorpion’s sting feels like, I advise you not to reach or step into dark, cool places without looking first.
Speaking of dark, cool places, let’s just take a quick peek into this cave over here. You never know what treasures you’re going to find in the wilderness!
AARRGH! Back, back, back! My apologies if I’ve trampled anyone. I’ve never seen so many rattlesnakes all together like this! A remarkable sight, and definitely worth a notation in your journals. …A photograph? I really wouldn’t advise it. Not unless you’ve got a zoom lens. …You’d like a shot of me in front of the snakes? I’m very flattered, but – so sorry – we’ve just run out of time. I’ve got to rush now. I’m due to lead some more tours. Hopefully some without so many snakes!
Thursday, 31 January 2013
Wednesday, 30 January 2013
Dangerous Creatures: Australian Walkabout
Here we are in Australia, ready to go, as the Aboriginal people would say, on walkabout. That means going off into the bush. We’ll see a lot of odd creatures here: monotremes and marsupials. Well, they’re no more odd than we are, really. Except that they live only in Australia and on surrounding islands. Well, got your hats and walking sticks ready? Hopefully, we won’t need more than one first aid kit.
What is that? Definitely not a monotreme or a marsupial. Oh, it’s one of those show-off frilled lizards. They spread their neck frills, hiss and lunge at you, and they can even rise up on their two hind feet and trot after you. They’re quite impressive, actually. But they think far too much of themselves. They’re always appearing on television, in those nature shows and all that. Pay this one no attention. Just walk on.
Well, if it’s not reptiles on the ground, it’s reptiles in the trees, for heaven’s sake! These are green tree pythons. …Well, yes, of course, I can see that they’re not green! They’re obviously not even the same colour. But they are green tree pythons. They’re just juveniles. Take my word for it! I have a PhD in zoology!
Here’s an adult. A rather large specimen, I might add! Believe me, those two youngsters will turn green like this with time. Those pits around its mouth help the python to detect heat, and that makes it easier to find warm-blooded prey. Oh, not to worry! We’re not its natural prey. I was thinking more of a bird or a bat.
At last, we’re getting to the monotremes! Just like those pythons we were looking at, the little spiny anteater you see here lays eggs. That’s why we say that the echidna is a monotreme, a primitive type of mammal. It’s closely related to the animals from which it evolved more than two hundred million years ago. But a mother echidna doesn’t guard a number of eggs, like a python would. No, she lays just one egg into a special pouch on her abdomen. And, after about ten days, the baby hatches. It stays in its mother’s pouch until it starts to develop prickly spikes – at which point, you can’t blame mum for insisting that it gets out!
Here’s the only other type of monotreme on earth today. When Europeans first saw the dried skin, bill and feet of a platypus, they thought it was somebody’s idea of a joke! And they didn’t even know about the platypus’s behaviour, about how it laid an egg and nursed its young. Speaking of nursing, did you know that the milk of monotremes just oozes out onto their fur in special patches, and the babies lick it off, instead of suckling like other mammals? Rather messy, I’d imagine!
I’m feeling a bit sticky myself in this heat. How about a visit to the beach, and a quick dip?
Eurgh! Well, perhaps not! That’s a saltwater crocodile, and they have been known to eat people. Not often, of course. But I don’t want to be one of those front page statistics in the Australian newspapers! And if any of you were to be eaten, they’d probably stick me back at that desk job again, alphabetising animals by their scientific names – which nobody can ever seem to agree on for more than a month at a time! Well, as they say, regression is the better part of valour. Is that right? Anyway, what I mean to say is… let’s retreat. But don’t turn your backs on this beast!
And what is that, down there on the ground? Oh, no! It’s a Sydney funnel-web spider. These are aggressive little spiders, and their venom is quite deadly. It’s a good thing we’re wearing our hiking boots. Back away, slowly and quietly. Don’t make it mad. The rumour is that these fellows have bad tempers. Although how you can tell what our spider is thinking, I have no idea!
Finally, a marsupial! Marsupials give birth to live young. But the babies are very undeveloped – really little more than embryos. Then, these worm-like babies make their way to mum’s pouch, where they latch onto a nipple and start nursing. They complete their development in the pouch.
Now, why people sometimes call this marsupial a koala bear, I do not know. I suppose it’s because it looks like a little toy teddy bear. But it’s not even related to bears. So please, just call it a koala.
And these marsupials are wallabies. Like kangaroos, only smaller. According to the fossil evidence we’ve discovered so far, marsupials first evolved during the Late Cretaceous period, somewhere around one hundred million years ago. They seem to have started out in South America, then roamed up to North America, down to Antarctica, and up to Australia. It wasn’t so hard to move between those places then, because all the continents were in different locations to where they are now. Back then, there were sabre-toothed marsupial cats, big marsupial bears and giant marsupial sloths, as well as kangaroo-like animals and small mousy marsupials that you can still see today. And before you ask… no, I wasn’t around in prehistoric times!
Oh, dear. We would get back to reptiles, wouldn’t we? I suppose it’s only natural: Australia has its fair share of them. Some people call this spiky creature a “moloch”. But others say it’s a “thorny devil” – and there’s no denying the appropriateness of that name! The thorns not only keep other animals from biting it, but they’re arranged in such a way that they gather the dew and funnel the drips of water right into the lizard’s mouth! I’ve been trying to devise a similar system with a tin hat and drainpipes, but I’m getting tired of standing around all night collecting dew! You just can’t beat Mother Nature!
Here are more devils. Tasmanian devils. If you put several of these little marsupials into a confined area with a small amount of meat, you’ll find out how they got that name. You’ve never heard such growling and yowling and hissing in your life! They’ll gobble down hair, bones, intestines – almost anything they can cram in between their sharp little teeth. But they really are quite placid fellows – as long as you don’t get between them and their food. I offered one a dog biscuit once. Did I ever show you this scar on my hand?
Here’s a marsupial you’ll never see in real life. This thylacine, or Tasmanian wolf, used to live on mainland Australia and on the nearby island of Tasmania. It died out in Australia thousands of years ago, maybe because people brought in dogs – now called dingoes – and the dingoes ran wild and took over. But on Tasmania, the thylacines hunted wallabies and other small animals, until the Europeans brought in sheep in the 1800s. Now, if you were a thylacine, would you rather chase a scrawny wallaby that could bound away at high speed, or a nice, fat, slow sheep? Right! So, the thylacines decided they liked the sheep, and the ranchers decided they didn’t like the thylacines, and put a bounty on their heads. So, sad but true, the thylacines were wiped out forever.
Just as people have shoved some animals right out of Australia, they’ve also brought in new ones. Here’s a pushy latecomer! This giant marine toad, as big as a dinner plate, is known in Australia as the cane toad. It was imported with the idea that it would eat grubs and save the sugar cane crop. But it had other ideas. It ate smaller toads, frogs and a lot of the local wildlife instead. It just gulps down anything that will fit into its mouth. It makes baby toads like crazy. And if any animal tries to eat it, it puffs up and oozes out venom from glands on its head, killing the poor animal that’s trying to swallow it! We’ve created another natural disaster that’s now happily hopping around Australia. It just goes to show you, it never pays to mess with Mother Nature!
Well, now you’ve seen some of Australia’s unusual monotremes and marsupials – not to mention a few impressive reptiles, and one obnoxious toad.
What is that? Definitely not a monotreme or a marsupial. Oh, it’s one of those show-off frilled lizards. They spread their neck frills, hiss and lunge at you, and they can even rise up on their two hind feet and trot after you. They’re quite impressive, actually. But they think far too much of themselves. They’re always appearing on television, in those nature shows and all that. Pay this one no attention. Just walk on.
Well, if it’s not reptiles on the ground, it’s reptiles in the trees, for heaven’s sake! These are green tree pythons. …Well, yes, of course, I can see that they’re not green! They’re obviously not even the same colour. But they are green tree pythons. They’re just juveniles. Take my word for it! I have a PhD in zoology!
Here’s an adult. A rather large specimen, I might add! Believe me, those two youngsters will turn green like this with time. Those pits around its mouth help the python to detect heat, and that makes it easier to find warm-blooded prey. Oh, not to worry! We’re not its natural prey. I was thinking more of a bird or a bat.
At last, we’re getting to the monotremes! Just like those pythons we were looking at, the little spiny anteater you see here lays eggs. That’s why we say that the echidna is a monotreme, a primitive type of mammal. It’s closely related to the animals from which it evolved more than two hundred million years ago. But a mother echidna doesn’t guard a number of eggs, like a python would. No, she lays just one egg into a special pouch on her abdomen. And, after about ten days, the baby hatches. It stays in its mother’s pouch until it starts to develop prickly spikes – at which point, you can’t blame mum for insisting that it gets out!
Here’s the only other type of monotreme on earth today. When Europeans first saw the dried skin, bill and feet of a platypus, they thought it was somebody’s idea of a joke! And they didn’t even know about the platypus’s behaviour, about how it laid an egg and nursed its young. Speaking of nursing, did you know that the milk of monotremes just oozes out onto their fur in special patches, and the babies lick it off, instead of suckling like other mammals? Rather messy, I’d imagine!
I’m feeling a bit sticky myself in this heat. How about a visit to the beach, and a quick dip?
Eurgh! Well, perhaps not! That’s a saltwater crocodile, and they have been known to eat people. Not often, of course. But I don’t want to be one of those front page statistics in the Australian newspapers! And if any of you were to be eaten, they’d probably stick me back at that desk job again, alphabetising animals by their scientific names – which nobody can ever seem to agree on for more than a month at a time! Well, as they say, regression is the better part of valour. Is that right? Anyway, what I mean to say is… let’s retreat. But don’t turn your backs on this beast!
And what is that, down there on the ground? Oh, no! It’s a Sydney funnel-web spider. These are aggressive little spiders, and their venom is quite deadly. It’s a good thing we’re wearing our hiking boots. Back away, slowly and quietly. Don’t make it mad. The rumour is that these fellows have bad tempers. Although how you can tell what our spider is thinking, I have no idea!
Finally, a marsupial! Marsupials give birth to live young. But the babies are very undeveloped – really little more than embryos. Then, these worm-like babies make their way to mum’s pouch, where they latch onto a nipple and start nursing. They complete their development in the pouch.
Now, why people sometimes call this marsupial a koala bear, I do not know. I suppose it’s because it looks like a little toy teddy bear. But it’s not even related to bears. So please, just call it a koala.
And these marsupials are wallabies. Like kangaroos, only smaller. According to the fossil evidence we’ve discovered so far, marsupials first evolved during the Late Cretaceous period, somewhere around one hundred million years ago. They seem to have started out in South America, then roamed up to North America, down to Antarctica, and up to Australia. It wasn’t so hard to move between those places then, because all the continents were in different locations to where they are now. Back then, there were sabre-toothed marsupial cats, big marsupial bears and giant marsupial sloths, as well as kangaroo-like animals and small mousy marsupials that you can still see today. And before you ask… no, I wasn’t around in prehistoric times!
Oh, dear. We would get back to reptiles, wouldn’t we? I suppose it’s only natural: Australia has its fair share of them. Some people call this spiky creature a “moloch”. But others say it’s a “thorny devil” – and there’s no denying the appropriateness of that name! The thorns not only keep other animals from biting it, but they’re arranged in such a way that they gather the dew and funnel the drips of water right into the lizard’s mouth! I’ve been trying to devise a similar system with a tin hat and drainpipes, but I’m getting tired of standing around all night collecting dew! You just can’t beat Mother Nature!
Here are more devils. Tasmanian devils. If you put several of these little marsupials into a confined area with a small amount of meat, you’ll find out how they got that name. You’ve never heard such growling and yowling and hissing in your life! They’ll gobble down hair, bones, intestines – almost anything they can cram in between their sharp little teeth. But they really are quite placid fellows – as long as you don’t get between them and their food. I offered one a dog biscuit once. Did I ever show you this scar on my hand?
Here’s a marsupial you’ll never see in real life. This thylacine, or Tasmanian wolf, used to live on mainland Australia and on the nearby island of Tasmania. It died out in Australia thousands of years ago, maybe because people brought in dogs – now called dingoes – and the dingoes ran wild and took over. But on Tasmania, the thylacines hunted wallabies and other small animals, until the Europeans brought in sheep in the 1800s. Now, if you were a thylacine, would you rather chase a scrawny wallaby that could bound away at high speed, or a nice, fat, slow sheep? Right! So, the thylacines decided they liked the sheep, and the ranchers decided they didn’t like the thylacines, and put a bounty on their heads. So, sad but true, the thylacines were wiped out forever.
Just as people have shoved some animals right out of Australia, they’ve also brought in new ones. Here’s a pushy latecomer! This giant marine toad, as big as a dinner plate, is known in Australia as the cane toad. It was imported with the idea that it would eat grubs and save the sugar cane crop. But it had other ideas. It ate smaller toads, frogs and a lot of the local wildlife instead. It just gulps down anything that will fit into its mouth. It makes baby toads like crazy. And if any animal tries to eat it, it puffs up and oozes out venom from glands on its head, killing the poor animal that’s trying to swallow it! We’ve created another natural disaster that’s now happily hopping around Australia. It just goes to show you, it never pays to mess with Mother Nature!
Well, now you’ve seen some of Australia’s unusual monotremes and marsupials – not to mention a few impressive reptiles, and one obnoxious toad.
Tuesday, 29 January 2013
Dangerous Creatures: Amazon Adventure
The next five tours are the ones done in the style of actual nature tours.
Welcome. Gather round. Our paddlers are just about ready to take us on a birdwatching trip down the river, into the Amazon Rainforest, where, if we’re lucky, we’ll see a flock of brilliant parrots on the wing.
In this tropical rainforest, there’s a lot of heat and humidity. The plants grow up, down and sideways, and they’re so thick in some places that it’s hard to see the wildlife. You never know what might be lurking behind a giant philodendron leaf.
Oh, my! Look at this. This passion-vine caterpillar isn’t really dangerous to us. But you wouldn’t want to touch those nasty-looking spines! And it’s full of cyanide, too. It absorbs the poison from the passion vines it eats. Stand back! Give it plenty of room!
And look, there on the ground. Step back quickly! That’s a Brazilian wandering spider, one of the deadliest spiders in the world. There may be others about. Let’s get into the canoes now and out onto the river, where it’s safer.
Keep your hands in the boat, please! Maybe it’s not so safe out here. That’s not a log floating by! One of these crocodilians could snap your fingers right off! And you thought they only had alligators in Florida? Down here they’re called caimans, and they’ll eat anything they can grab.
But back to the birds. I think I see a scarlet macaw now. Let’s just paddle a little closer to that branch overhanging the river.
Oh, dear! I’ve got to get new glasses! Actually, this bird eats scarlet macaws. Yes, plucks them right out of the air. And keep the small children out of sight, folks! Harpy eagles also carry off monkeys, and I don’t know if they can tell the difference between a two-year-old and a howler monkey. They seem very similar, even to me!
Oh, dear. What are those yellow eyes over there? …It’s a jaguar! Stay calm, stay calm! It’s a big cat, but it’s not likely to attack. …I don’t think. …Well, yes, right, they do swim. But we’re safe, right out in the middle of the river. It can’t get us here. Anyway, jaguars don’t attack people. Well, not tourists on vacation anyway, I’m sure.
Let’s focus on river life. For example, if you lean over close to the water, you’ll notice a school of beautiful red-bellied fish. Notice the round shape and the mouth full of teeth. I say, what impressive teeth! Oh, no! Get your faces out of the water! Those are piranhas! They’re generally placid, but they could bite your noses right off if they chose to! …I knew they were piranhas, of course. I just thought that everyone should have a closer look.
On the right, note the beautifully coloured leaf floating by. It has a rather large, nice pattern, and appears to be attached to… a tail? Oh, yes it is! Oh, that’s an anaconda, a sort of gigantic type of boa. These snakes swim and lounge around on the banks. They could be anywhere. They eat fish and caimans and birds and… small children. Oh, just kidding about the small children, folks! But don’t let it climb into the canoe, just in case!
There’s another type of boa over there. And… well, really! It’s swallowing one of our birds! How are we supposed to birdwatch when snakes are gulping them down at every opportunity? Honestly!
My, this is an awfully snaky place! Up there, on the branch of that tree, that’s a baby emerald tree boa. Yes, I know! Emerald does mean green and yes, obviously the snake is red. But that’s because it’s young yet. As it gets older, its green spots will get bigger and bigger, until it’s not red anymore.
Now there, overhead, that’s an adult emerald tree boa – possibly the baby’s mother. That red one I just pointed out will look just like this when it’s grown. Really, it’s one of nature’s magic acts.
Speaking of magic acts, there’s one right here beneath the canoe. Oh, don’t dangle your fingers in the water! This is an electric eel. It’s a fish that can generate electricity. It can give you quite a jolt! No extension cords or plug-ins needed! No, it can just zap you from afar.
Snakes, piranhas, electric eels… this expedition is getting quite out of hand! Let’s pull over to the bank, and try to spot some nice birds or tropical butterflies.
At last, some of the beauties of nature! Gather round, and let’s admire this colourful flower here. …Oh, my God! It’s a frog! No, no, no! No touching! This is a poison arrow frog. It doesn’t bite, but it can ooze venom through its skin. Let’s just let it mind its own business, and we’ll mind ours.
And now look what’s marching our way! Army ants! They do have rather awe-inspiring pincers. But just stay out of their way and you’ll be quite all right. Some forest people even welcome the invasion of army ants. The people just clear out of their huts for a few days – taking their pets and groceries with them, of course – and let the ants march through. The army ants devour all the bugs they can find. And when there’s no food left, they move on. Then the people come back to a nice clean hut, no more fleas, cockroaches or bed bugs to worry about.
Now, what’s that snuffling about in the bushes over there? Probably headhunters or cannibals, the way this tour is going! …Oh, thank goodness! It’s only a tapir – a sort of furry, pig-shaped animal with a handy short trunk for a nose. Yes, one of the jaguar’s favourite foods. Well, now that I think of it, a jaguar may be close behind! I suggest that we scoot back to the hotel and birdwatch around the swimming pool. I’m sure we’ll see parrots there.
Welcome. Gather round. Our paddlers are just about ready to take us on a birdwatching trip down the river, into the Amazon Rainforest, where, if we’re lucky, we’ll see a flock of brilliant parrots on the wing.
In this tropical rainforest, there’s a lot of heat and humidity. The plants grow up, down and sideways, and they’re so thick in some places that it’s hard to see the wildlife. You never know what might be lurking behind a giant philodendron leaf.
Oh, my! Look at this. This passion-vine caterpillar isn’t really dangerous to us. But you wouldn’t want to touch those nasty-looking spines! And it’s full of cyanide, too. It absorbs the poison from the passion vines it eats. Stand back! Give it plenty of room!
And look, there on the ground. Step back quickly! That’s a Brazilian wandering spider, one of the deadliest spiders in the world. There may be others about. Let’s get into the canoes now and out onto the river, where it’s safer.
Keep your hands in the boat, please! Maybe it’s not so safe out here. That’s not a log floating by! One of these crocodilians could snap your fingers right off! And you thought they only had alligators in Florida? Down here they’re called caimans, and they’ll eat anything they can grab.
But back to the birds. I think I see a scarlet macaw now. Let’s just paddle a little closer to that branch overhanging the river.
Oh, dear! I’ve got to get new glasses! Actually, this bird eats scarlet macaws. Yes, plucks them right out of the air. And keep the small children out of sight, folks! Harpy eagles also carry off monkeys, and I don’t know if they can tell the difference between a two-year-old and a howler monkey. They seem very similar, even to me!
Oh, dear. What are those yellow eyes over there? …It’s a jaguar! Stay calm, stay calm! It’s a big cat, but it’s not likely to attack. …I don’t think. …Well, yes, right, they do swim. But we’re safe, right out in the middle of the river. It can’t get us here. Anyway, jaguars don’t attack people. Well, not tourists on vacation anyway, I’m sure.
Let’s focus on river life. For example, if you lean over close to the water, you’ll notice a school of beautiful red-bellied fish. Notice the round shape and the mouth full of teeth. I say, what impressive teeth! Oh, no! Get your faces out of the water! Those are piranhas! They’re generally placid, but they could bite your noses right off if they chose to! …I knew they were piranhas, of course. I just thought that everyone should have a closer look.
On the right, note the beautifully coloured leaf floating by. It has a rather large, nice pattern, and appears to be attached to… a tail? Oh, yes it is! Oh, that’s an anaconda, a sort of gigantic type of boa. These snakes swim and lounge around on the banks. They could be anywhere. They eat fish and caimans and birds and… small children. Oh, just kidding about the small children, folks! But don’t let it climb into the canoe, just in case!
There’s another type of boa over there. And… well, really! It’s swallowing one of our birds! How are we supposed to birdwatch when snakes are gulping them down at every opportunity? Honestly!
My, this is an awfully snaky place! Up there, on the branch of that tree, that’s a baby emerald tree boa. Yes, I know! Emerald does mean green and yes, obviously the snake is red. But that’s because it’s young yet. As it gets older, its green spots will get bigger and bigger, until it’s not red anymore.
Now there, overhead, that’s an adult emerald tree boa – possibly the baby’s mother. That red one I just pointed out will look just like this when it’s grown. Really, it’s one of nature’s magic acts.
Speaking of magic acts, there’s one right here beneath the canoe. Oh, don’t dangle your fingers in the water! This is an electric eel. It’s a fish that can generate electricity. It can give you quite a jolt! No extension cords or plug-ins needed! No, it can just zap you from afar.
Snakes, piranhas, electric eels… this expedition is getting quite out of hand! Let’s pull over to the bank, and try to spot some nice birds or tropical butterflies.
At last, some of the beauties of nature! Gather round, and let’s admire this colourful flower here. …Oh, my God! It’s a frog! No, no, no! No touching! This is a poison arrow frog. It doesn’t bite, but it can ooze venom through its skin. Let’s just let it mind its own business, and we’ll mind ours.
And now look what’s marching our way! Army ants! They do have rather awe-inspiring pincers. But just stay out of their way and you’ll be quite all right. Some forest people even welcome the invasion of army ants. The people just clear out of their huts for a few days – taking their pets and groceries with them, of course – and let the ants march through. The army ants devour all the bugs they can find. And when there’s no food left, they move on. Then the people come back to a nice clean hut, no more fleas, cockroaches or bed bugs to worry about.
Now, what’s that snuffling about in the bushes over there? Probably headhunters or cannibals, the way this tour is going! …Oh, thank goodness! It’s only a tapir – a sort of furry, pig-shaped animal with a handy short trunk for a nose. Yes, one of the jaguar’s favourite foods. Well, now that I think of it, a jaguar may be close behind! I suggest that we scoot back to the hotel and birdwatch around the swimming pool. I’m sure we’ll see parrots there.
Monday, 28 January 2013
Dangerous Creatures: Male and Female Roles
I’m happy to be male, and I’m also glad I’m human. Now, in the human world, males and females are finally receiving equal treatment, although still not everywhere. But in the animal world, being male or female can make a big difference to how your life turns out.
If you’re a female black widow spider, you really have it made. You’ve only got to worry about predators that want to eat you, and most wild animals have that worry. But if you’re male, you have to watch out for predators, and you also have to worry about the intentions of that female spider you’ve been dating. A lot of black widow males never get a chance to kiss and tell, because the females eat them after they mate. Male scorpions sometimes have the same problem. So if you had to be a scorpion, it would be better to be a female scorpion.
If you’re a female lion, it’s mostly up to you to bring home the bacon. And the zebra. And the wildebeest. And then the males eat first (the ungrateful cads!), and you get what’s left over. Now, if you’re a male lion, you can lie around a lot of the time. But it’s your job to protect the pride, and sooner or later you’ll have to face something really frightening.
…One of these! Yes, as a male lion, you’ll have to fight with other males to keep your territory. So you’d better keep in shape, or you’ll soon be sitting on a termite mound all by yourself, wondering what went wrong!
If you’re reasonably sociable and you have leadership qualities, you’ll be better off as a female in the elephant world. It’s the females who stay together, and it’s a female who leads the herd. If you’re a male, you’ll be kicked out of the family circle sooner or later, and you’ll only be allowed to visit when the females want you to. But you can go off and push down a tree or two to make yourself feel better, or find some other males to brood with.
Now, in the world of Cape hunting dogs, the situation is reversed. The males stay together in the clan, and most females get pushed out when they are fully grown. So it’s the females who have to leave on their own, shredding a zebra or a young wildebeest now and then, living homeless until they find a clan that will take them in.
If you’re a male toad or frog, you will soon find yourself interested in females and you’ll feel like croaking. But, although the females are bound to be impressed with your croaking skills, there’s a danger in making music out in the wilderness. You might attract someone else’s attention.
…Like this sly serpent. It doesn’t matter what gender the snake is, and the snake doesn’t care whether its prey is male or female. One toad tastes much like the next, and they all taste very good to a snake!
If you’re the sedentary type, you would do well to be born as a queen in the ant world. After your first flight to find a mate, you won’t have to move a muscle. You’ll be waited on hand and foot. Of course, you will also have to lay thousands of eggs in your lifetime!
Both male and female platypuses lead fairly tranquil lives. But if you’re going to encounter animals that want to fight, or that want to eat you, it would be better to be male. Only the males have venomous spurs on their hind legs. One swift kick can leave a small animal paralysed or a person numb for hours.
In the world of the wolf, it doesn’t make much difference whether you’re male or female. Either way, you will still have to hunt, and you’ll have to learn the rules of the pack. You won’t be allowed to mate or have babies unless you’re the male or female leader.
If you’re born a mouse, you’re already in trouble! Whether you’re male or female, millions of predators all over the world want to have you for dinner. Or breakfast. Or lunch. But if you’re lucky enough to survive until adulthood, you will probably want to be male unless you really love kids. As a female mouse, you could have hundreds of babies in your lifetime.
All in all, it makes you glad to be a human, doesn’t it? Because of our evolution, we enjoy a lot more choice in our lives.
If you’re a female black widow spider, you really have it made. You’ve only got to worry about predators that want to eat you, and most wild animals have that worry. But if you’re male, you have to watch out for predators, and you also have to worry about the intentions of that female spider you’ve been dating. A lot of black widow males never get a chance to kiss and tell, because the females eat them after they mate. Male scorpions sometimes have the same problem. So if you had to be a scorpion, it would be better to be a female scorpion.
If you’re a female lion, it’s mostly up to you to bring home the bacon. And the zebra. And the wildebeest. And then the males eat first (the ungrateful cads!), and you get what’s left over. Now, if you’re a male lion, you can lie around a lot of the time. But it’s your job to protect the pride, and sooner or later you’ll have to face something really frightening.
…One of these! Yes, as a male lion, you’ll have to fight with other males to keep your territory. So you’d better keep in shape, or you’ll soon be sitting on a termite mound all by yourself, wondering what went wrong!
If you’re reasonably sociable and you have leadership qualities, you’ll be better off as a female in the elephant world. It’s the females who stay together, and it’s a female who leads the herd. If you’re a male, you’ll be kicked out of the family circle sooner or later, and you’ll only be allowed to visit when the females want you to. But you can go off and push down a tree or two to make yourself feel better, or find some other males to brood with.
Now, in the world of Cape hunting dogs, the situation is reversed. The males stay together in the clan, and most females get pushed out when they are fully grown. So it’s the females who have to leave on their own, shredding a zebra or a young wildebeest now and then, living homeless until they find a clan that will take them in.
If you’re a male toad or frog, you will soon find yourself interested in females and you’ll feel like croaking. But, although the females are bound to be impressed with your croaking skills, there’s a danger in making music out in the wilderness. You might attract someone else’s attention.
…Like this sly serpent. It doesn’t matter what gender the snake is, and the snake doesn’t care whether its prey is male or female. One toad tastes much like the next, and they all taste very good to a snake!
If you’re the sedentary type, you would do well to be born as a queen in the ant world. After your first flight to find a mate, you won’t have to move a muscle. You’ll be waited on hand and foot. Of course, you will also have to lay thousands of eggs in your lifetime!
Both male and female platypuses lead fairly tranquil lives. But if you’re going to encounter animals that want to fight, or that want to eat you, it would be better to be male. Only the males have venomous spurs on their hind legs. One swift kick can leave a small animal paralysed or a person numb for hours.
In the world of the wolf, it doesn’t make much difference whether you’re male or female. Either way, you will still have to hunt, and you’ll have to learn the rules of the pack. You won’t be allowed to mate or have babies unless you’re the male or female leader.
If you’re born a mouse, you’re already in trouble! Whether you’re male or female, millions of predators all over the world want to have you for dinner. Or breakfast. Or lunch. But if you’re lucky enough to survive until adulthood, you will probably want to be male unless you really love kids. As a female mouse, you could have hundreds of babies in your lifetime.
All in all, it makes you glad to be a human, doesn’t it? Because of our evolution, we enjoy a lot more choice in our lives.
Sunday, 27 January 2013
Dangerous Creatures: Silly Things People Do
It’s time for a bit of self-indulgent nostalgia. :) The Microsoft PC program Dangerous Creatures was a huge part of my childhood, and probably the reason I’m so fascinated with animals today.
So what I’ve decided to do is transcribe the narration sections and hopefully spread the knowledge. :) Some of the information may be outdated today, but again, it is nostalgic.
But before we get to the animal fact pages, I think I’ll post some of the game’s guided tours first. The tours are basically just compilations of related screens from throughout the program, tied together by a guide narrator. Some of the tours, like Amazon Adventure and Coral Reef Dive, are narrated in the style of a real nature tour, as if you’re actually being shown around the area in question.
Anyway, I think Silly Things People Do is a good tour to start off with. Enjoy. :)
Did you know that when people get hurt by wild animals, it’s usually because those people have behaved in some very silly way? For example…
“Oh, what a sweet little thing! I’ll just give it these marshmallows, Herman, while you take a picture.” Famous last words! While the tourists are sidling up to the bear cub, mummy bear is probably browsing around just on the other side of that big tree. All it takes is one little squeak from baby!
Yes! And mummy bear is much bigger than most people might think, not to mention a lot faster and meaner! After all, just what is that stranger doing with her cub? Keep your marshmallows in the car, and you’ll stand a better chance of keeping all your body parts in place!
A camera is also an item that has landed many an amateur photographer in trouble with animals. The typical scenario might go something like this: “Just a little closer, Maureen, just a little closer. Five more steps and this shot will be perfect.” Of course, a buffalo might let you come five steps closer. But who knows? Perhaps two more steps might be the limit, before it decides to stamp you into a pancake!
Now, this may be called a monster, but that’s because of its looks, not because of its personality. You have to work really hard to get a Gila monster angry. They would much rather hide than fight. Most people who have been hurt by these creatures were doing things like betting they could put their fingers into the lizard’s mouth without being bitten, or carrying Gila monsters hidden inside their jackets. I don’t have to tell you that behaviour like this is really stupid, do I?
Here’s another creature that has often been the victim of human jokes. Rattlesnakes have been shipped across the country in surprise packages, stuffed into mailboxes, and tossed from person to person at parties. Of course they bite! You’d bite too if someone was treating you like that!
Never underestimate how fast, or how far, a wild animal can move! If you’re out golfing and you see an alligator floating in the water hazard, don’t stop at the edge to get a closer view! That alligator’s teeth could be clamped onto your leg before you could shout, “Hey caddie, how about bringing that cart over here?”
Some people may have nightmares about vampire bats swooping down out of the darkness to bite them in the neck. But let’s be realistic. You would have to go to Central America, peel a vampire bat off a cave roof somewhere (gently, of course, because they’re tiny little things), and then press it to your neck. If you do all that, you deserve to get bitten!
Constrictors like pythons or boas often appear in pet shops. Now, because these snakes are not venomous, some people think they don’t bite. Wrong! How do you think they grab onto a mouse or a bird to eat it? Move too quickly in front of them, and you may find out just how long and sharp their teeth are. Also, constrictors feel nice to the touch, but sometimes these snakes want to get cuddly too. If you give one a hug, it may hug you back, and it may not let you go!
Darling pups, huh? Sometimes you might see wild animal babies, like these fuzzy baby wolves, for sale. However, not only is it illegal in many places to keep a wild animal, but they really don’t make good pets either. Of course, they look lovely and are fun to play with when they’re young, but they do grow up!
Then… oh, no, bad puppies! When they’re big, they act like the wild animals they’re meant to be. An adult wolf, even one that you’ve raised from a pup, may attack livestock, other pets, or even people. The same goes for any predator, like an ocelot or a fox, for example. They’re not being mean: they’re just doing what nature tells them to do. And obedience training is probably not going to help.
A little salamander doesn’t look dangerous, so you might be tempted to pick one up. Don’t! Many of them have powerful venom that they can squeeze out of special glands when they’re frightened. If you get it on your hands and then wipe your mouth or your eye, you could end up in hospital. They don’t want to be grabbed anyway, so just leave them alone.
Now, here’s a gentle creature that a lot of divers get into trouble with, even if they don’t get bitten by it. It’s soft and squishy, and it’s only a small animal, isn’t it? An octopus may not have much muscle power, but it has suction on its side! It can latch onto a rock with a few arms, and hold onto your foot with a couple more. And there you are, stuck onto an octopus that’s stuck to the ocean floor! The octopus can breathe underwater. Too bad you can’t!
So, to sum up, the basic message is: you can have a lot of fun with wild animals, but you have got to respect them too. The fun is in watching them and taking pictures of them, not in teasing them – and it’s certainly no fun to fight with them!
So what I’ve decided to do is transcribe the narration sections and hopefully spread the knowledge. :) Some of the information may be outdated today, but again, it is nostalgic.
But before we get to the animal fact pages, I think I’ll post some of the game’s guided tours first. The tours are basically just compilations of related screens from throughout the program, tied together by a guide narrator. Some of the tours, like Amazon Adventure and Coral Reef Dive, are narrated in the style of a real nature tour, as if you’re actually being shown around the area in question.
Anyway, I think Silly Things People Do is a good tour to start off with. Enjoy. :)
Did you know that when people get hurt by wild animals, it’s usually because those people have behaved in some very silly way? For example…
“Oh, what a sweet little thing! I’ll just give it these marshmallows, Herman, while you take a picture.” Famous last words! While the tourists are sidling up to the bear cub, mummy bear is probably browsing around just on the other side of that big tree. All it takes is one little squeak from baby!
Yes! And mummy bear is much bigger than most people might think, not to mention a lot faster and meaner! After all, just what is that stranger doing with her cub? Keep your marshmallows in the car, and you’ll stand a better chance of keeping all your body parts in place!
A camera is also an item that has landed many an amateur photographer in trouble with animals. The typical scenario might go something like this: “Just a little closer, Maureen, just a little closer. Five more steps and this shot will be perfect.” Of course, a buffalo might let you come five steps closer. But who knows? Perhaps two more steps might be the limit, before it decides to stamp you into a pancake!
Now, this may be called a monster, but that’s because of its looks, not because of its personality. You have to work really hard to get a Gila monster angry. They would much rather hide than fight. Most people who have been hurt by these creatures were doing things like betting they could put their fingers into the lizard’s mouth without being bitten, or carrying Gila monsters hidden inside their jackets. I don’t have to tell you that behaviour like this is really stupid, do I?
Here’s another creature that has often been the victim of human jokes. Rattlesnakes have been shipped across the country in surprise packages, stuffed into mailboxes, and tossed from person to person at parties. Of course they bite! You’d bite too if someone was treating you like that!
Never underestimate how fast, or how far, a wild animal can move! If you’re out golfing and you see an alligator floating in the water hazard, don’t stop at the edge to get a closer view! That alligator’s teeth could be clamped onto your leg before you could shout, “Hey caddie, how about bringing that cart over here?”
Some people may have nightmares about vampire bats swooping down out of the darkness to bite them in the neck. But let’s be realistic. You would have to go to Central America, peel a vampire bat off a cave roof somewhere (gently, of course, because they’re tiny little things), and then press it to your neck. If you do all that, you deserve to get bitten!
Constrictors like pythons or boas often appear in pet shops. Now, because these snakes are not venomous, some people think they don’t bite. Wrong! How do you think they grab onto a mouse or a bird to eat it? Move too quickly in front of them, and you may find out just how long and sharp their teeth are. Also, constrictors feel nice to the touch, but sometimes these snakes want to get cuddly too. If you give one a hug, it may hug you back, and it may not let you go!
Darling pups, huh? Sometimes you might see wild animal babies, like these fuzzy baby wolves, for sale. However, not only is it illegal in many places to keep a wild animal, but they really don’t make good pets either. Of course, they look lovely and are fun to play with when they’re young, but they do grow up!
Then… oh, no, bad puppies! When they’re big, they act like the wild animals they’re meant to be. An adult wolf, even one that you’ve raised from a pup, may attack livestock, other pets, or even people. The same goes for any predator, like an ocelot or a fox, for example. They’re not being mean: they’re just doing what nature tells them to do. And obedience training is probably not going to help.
A little salamander doesn’t look dangerous, so you might be tempted to pick one up. Don’t! Many of them have powerful venom that they can squeeze out of special glands when they’re frightened. If you get it on your hands and then wipe your mouth or your eye, you could end up in hospital. They don’t want to be grabbed anyway, so just leave them alone.
Now, here’s a gentle creature that a lot of divers get into trouble with, even if they don’t get bitten by it. It’s soft and squishy, and it’s only a small animal, isn’t it? An octopus may not have much muscle power, but it has suction on its side! It can latch onto a rock with a few arms, and hold onto your foot with a couple more. And there you are, stuck onto an octopus that’s stuck to the ocean floor! The octopus can breathe underwater. Too bad you can’t!
So, to sum up, the basic message is: you can have a lot of fun with wild animals, but you have got to respect them too. The fun is in watching them and taking pictures of them, not in teasing them – and it’s certainly no fun to fight with them!
Wednesday, 23 January 2013
First Impressions: "Psychonauts" (VG)
Just finished playing Psychonauts on PS2. Took me well over twenty hours of gameplay, but I've finally completed it! :)
And let me tell you, this game is pure genius! It takes the concept of the psychological drama to a whole new level! The whole thing is just crazy! I can't even properly explain it!
I will say, though, that this game is definitely stronger in terms of ideas and creativity than in actual gameplay. Still, while I do have issues with it at times – specifically, the platforming jumping, the save feature and the fact that the game (no exaggeration!) has more false endings than The Return of the King – I really do think the imagination on display here more than makes up for it. And I'm sure my complaints with the game's pacing will be resolved in future playthroughs, when I know what's coming.
Despite the fact that each level feels tacked on after the promise of the climax approaching in the previous one, every scene is bursting with creativity and sometimes laugh-out-loud humour.
So you can definitely count me in this game's fan club!
My rating: 95%. I really want to give it a full 100, but the pacing and gameplay issues did cost it a lot.
And let me tell you, this game is pure genius! It takes the concept of the psychological drama to a whole new level! The whole thing is just crazy! I can't even properly explain it!
I will say, though, that this game is definitely stronger in terms of ideas and creativity than in actual gameplay. Still, while I do have issues with it at times – specifically, the platforming jumping, the save feature and the fact that the game (no exaggeration!) has more false endings than The Return of the King – I really do think the imagination on display here more than makes up for it. And I'm sure my complaints with the game's pacing will be resolved in future playthroughs, when I know what's coming.
Despite the fact that each level feels tacked on after the promise of the climax approaching in the previous one, every scene is bursting with creativity and sometimes laugh-out-loud humour.
So you can definitely count me in this game's fan club!
My rating: 95%. I really want to give it a full 100, but the pacing and gameplay issues did cost it a lot.
Monday, 21 January 2013
First Impressions: "The Cavern" (AKA "WIthIN") (2005)
I saw The Cavern (or WIthIN) today.
If you've seen Film Brain's video review on ThatGuyWithTheGlasses.com, then everything he said holds true. I'm one of those people who prefer not to base my judgement of the movie on the review alone, but rather to see the whole thing myself so I can properly assess it, for better or for worse. As a result, seeing Film Brain's review of this movie beforehand kind of lessened the effect for me, so I didn't hate it as much as he did, but it was still abysmal.
The characters are all complete morons, as well as frequently irritating. The cinematography has to be among the worst of all time, with so much colour bleeding that it's downright ugly to look at – not to mention some of the most annoying shaky cam I've ever seen. And the ending leaves an especially foul taste in the mouth.
Basically, this movie is The Descent for idiots, and one of the worst-written, worst-looking movies I've ever come across. Between this and The Fourth Kind, I can say without any exaggeration that Olatunde Osunsanmi is right up there with Michael Bay as one of the absolute worst directors of all time!
My rating: turkey (that's my collective rating for 1/10 and zero).
And you know what the saddest part is? I had to buy the DVD just so I could see this movie at all! Now, granted, it comes very cheap indeed (can't imagine why!), but with a fairly solid idea of how bad it was, I would have preferred to send no money its way whatsoever.
Now, when I go willingly into a bad movie, I usually plan to cleanse it with a good one, and this movie was no different. I washed The Cavern down with one of my favourite movies, Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind – which, by the way, I feel is one of the most underrated movies ever made.
If you've seen Film Brain's video review on ThatGuyWithTheGlasses.com, then everything he said holds true. I'm one of those people who prefer not to base my judgement of the movie on the review alone, but rather to see the whole thing myself so I can properly assess it, for better or for worse. As a result, seeing Film Brain's review of this movie beforehand kind of lessened the effect for me, so I didn't hate it as much as he did, but it was still abysmal.
The characters are all complete morons, as well as frequently irritating. The cinematography has to be among the worst of all time, with so much colour bleeding that it's downright ugly to look at – not to mention some of the most annoying shaky cam I've ever seen. And the ending leaves an especially foul taste in the mouth.
Basically, this movie is The Descent for idiots, and one of the worst-written, worst-looking movies I've ever come across. Between this and The Fourth Kind, I can say without any exaggeration that Olatunde Osunsanmi is right up there with Michael Bay as one of the absolute worst directors of all time!
My rating: turkey (that's my collective rating for 1/10 and zero).
And you know what the saddest part is? I had to buy the DVD just so I could see this movie at all! Now, granted, it comes very cheap indeed (can't imagine why!), but with a fairly solid idea of how bad it was, I would have preferred to send no money its way whatsoever.
Now, when I go willingly into a bad movie, I usually plan to cleanse it with a good one, and this movie was no different. I washed The Cavern down with one of my favourite movies, Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind – which, by the way, I feel is one of the most underrated movies ever made.
Friday, 18 January 2013
First Impressions: "Martha Marcy May Marlene" (2011), "Shadow Dancer" (2012) + "Dredd" (2012)
Xtra-vision (Ireland's main rental chain) have a new deal on: three new releases for three nights for €10. I thought I'd take advantage of that this week. I decided I might as well make it three hopefully good ones to make it fully worth the tenner.
Rental 1: Martha Marcy May Marlene (2011).
It's about a young woman trying to get back in tune with normal life after running away from a sadistic cult.
When I looked up the movie afterwards, I found I'd somewhat misjudged it. The movie constantly shifts between the present and her time with the cult with no apparent order. Apparently, the idea was that this girl's line between memory and reality is becoming blurred, and that certainly becomes clear towards the end, but for most of the movie, I just thought it was fragmented editing and random flashbacks.
I definitely understood that she was being tormented by paranoia and fear that the cult may be coming after her, though. And she had good reason to fear them! I don't want to spoil anything, but let's just say it's a really fucked up clan!
It's Elizabeth Olsen's screen debut, and she's just fantastic.
It's a wonderfully psychological movie, but something about the tone and style of the whole thing sort of rubbed me the wrong way. I can definitely say I've never seen a movie like this before, though!
My rating: 70%.
Rental 2: Shadow Dancer (2012).
It's about Colette, a woman hired by MI5 to spy on her brothers, who are involved with the IRA, for the sake of her son's welfare.
The only phrase I can think of to describe this movie is, "What a load of bore!" Maybe it'd make more sense to someone who knows more about IRA bombings or whatever, but this movie barely even bothers to explain what the IRA's deal is. So any ignorant slob like me who doesn't know their history is going to be totally lost!
I didn't understand any of the characters' motivations; I didn't even know who some of them were supposed to be.
Andrea Riseborough gives a great central performance, though, especially compared to the same year's WE: she's splendidly vulnerable, and her Belfast accent is far better than her American accent.
Overall, it's not bad, but it just didn't do a thing for me personally.
My rating: 50%.
And now we come to the big one! :) Rental 3: Dredd (2012).
I never read any of the comics, but everyone says this is a far more faithful adaptation than the Stallone movie. It basically has the same philosophy as The Amazing Spider-Man: "Forget the previous movies; this is how the comics were always meant to be brought to the screen!"
In any case, there's no denying it's a much darker movie too! Not only is it insanely violent, but it conveys a really strong sense of what a crime-infested hellhole the city is – completely the opposite of the Stallone movie, which is ironic considering how much bigger a budget and scale that movie had! :)
Basically, while I still like the Stallone movie for the over-the-top self-aware action flick that it is, there's no denying that this is by far the superior film. It's a terrifically dark action movie with clever ideas and thrills aplenty. It's a shame I didn't get to see it in 2012 itself, because it definitely would have been somewhere on my top ten favourites list.
My rating: 85%.
Rental 1: Martha Marcy May Marlene (2011).
It's about a young woman trying to get back in tune with normal life after running away from a sadistic cult.
When I looked up the movie afterwards, I found I'd somewhat misjudged it. The movie constantly shifts between the present and her time with the cult with no apparent order. Apparently, the idea was that this girl's line between memory and reality is becoming blurred, and that certainly becomes clear towards the end, but for most of the movie, I just thought it was fragmented editing and random flashbacks.
I definitely understood that she was being tormented by paranoia and fear that the cult may be coming after her, though. And she had good reason to fear them! I don't want to spoil anything, but let's just say it's a really fucked up clan!
It's Elizabeth Olsen's screen debut, and she's just fantastic.
It's a wonderfully psychological movie, but something about the tone and style of the whole thing sort of rubbed me the wrong way. I can definitely say I've never seen a movie like this before, though!
My rating: 70%.
Rental 2: Shadow Dancer (2012).
It's about Colette, a woman hired by MI5 to spy on her brothers, who are involved with the IRA, for the sake of her son's welfare.
The only phrase I can think of to describe this movie is, "What a load of bore!" Maybe it'd make more sense to someone who knows more about IRA bombings or whatever, but this movie barely even bothers to explain what the IRA's deal is. So any ignorant slob like me who doesn't know their history is going to be totally lost!
I didn't understand any of the characters' motivations; I didn't even know who some of them were supposed to be.
Andrea Riseborough gives a great central performance, though, especially compared to the same year's WE: she's splendidly vulnerable, and her Belfast accent is far better than her American accent.
Overall, it's not bad, but it just didn't do a thing for me personally.
My rating: 50%.
And now we come to the big one! :) Rental 3: Dredd (2012).
I never read any of the comics, but everyone says this is a far more faithful adaptation than the Stallone movie. It basically has the same philosophy as The Amazing Spider-Man: "Forget the previous movies; this is how the comics were always meant to be brought to the screen!"
In any case, there's no denying it's a much darker movie too! Not only is it insanely violent, but it conveys a really strong sense of what a crime-infested hellhole the city is – completely the opposite of the Stallone movie, which is ironic considering how much bigger a budget and scale that movie had! :)
Basically, while I still like the Stallone movie for the over-the-top self-aware action flick that it is, there's no denying that this is by far the superior film. It's a terrifically dark action movie with clever ideas and thrills aplenty. It's a shame I didn't get to see it in 2012 itself, because it definitely would have been somewhere on my top ten favourites list.
My rating: 85%.
Wednesday, 2 January 2013
"James Bond" 50th Anniversary Box Set
I was in town today, and I bought the latest James Bond box set – the fiftieth anniversary one. And I have to say, this is one of the best box sets I've ever seen!
The last Bond box set was the twenty-two-film collection in an attaché case that included all the DVDs individually. At the time, I thought that was the best idea, since I could shelve each film separately. After all, I knew there'd be more Bond movies in the future, making any box set instantly obsolete whenever a new one came along. (That's why I never understood why they made a box set when each Harry Potter movie was released on DVD!) But to be honest, I'm not a big enough Bond fan to want to see each movie on my shelf like that. But this new box set, for the next few years at least, is the answer to my prayers!
For one thing, it's what I like to call a "booklet" box set, where the discs are set in plastic "pages" built into the inner sleeve. That's what really made me crave this box set: as soon as I saw that it was packaged like that. I hate when box sets get lazy and just use slim cases – but that's a rant for another day!
But also, not only does this Bond box set feature all twenty-two films so far, but it's even generous enough to include a space at the end for Skyfall! Yes, there's a paper inlay that says, "This space reserved for Skyfall!" That is one of the coolest, most thoughtful things I've ever seen! :D
The last Bond box set was the twenty-two-film collection in an attaché case that included all the DVDs individually. At the time, I thought that was the best idea, since I could shelve each film separately. After all, I knew there'd be more Bond movies in the future, making any box set instantly obsolete whenever a new one came along. (That's why I never understood why they made a box set when each Harry Potter movie was released on DVD!) But to be honest, I'm not a big enough Bond fan to want to see each movie on my shelf like that. But this new box set, for the next few years at least, is the answer to my prayers!
But also, not only does this Bond box set feature all twenty-two films so far, but it's even generous enough to include a space at the end for Skyfall! Yes, there's a paper inlay that says, "This space reserved for Skyfall!" That is one of the coolest, most thoughtful things I've ever seen! :D
Tuesday, 1 January 2013
First Impressions: "2012" (2009)
I finally got round to seeing 2012. Or rather getting it out of the way. I knew it was going to suck, and it didn't disappoint.
I know it's just supposed to be a dumb blockbuster, but this script is so corny that it stops being ironically enjoyable and just becomes plain egregious. The movie constantly shifts focus between far too many characters, and all of them are as flat as can be.
And worst of all, the action scenes aren't the least bit exciting because they look as fake as it gets. Kudos to the animators for all the detail they put in, but it's still CG and it looks like shit! It looks so fake that it just makes you wish the whole movie was animated.
This movie is nearly two hours and forty minutes long, and it feels like it! It's boring as hell, but at least it's well shot. So I'll take this over a Michael Bay shit-fest any day!
My rating: 30%.
Also, on a side note, I should point out that I watched it on Netflix. And I'm seriously considering unsubscribing! It makes no sense to me why you should have to stream the movie online. What if you have a poor internet connection? The amount of times I had to pause the movie just to let the buffer catch up is just ludicrous! Regardless of whether or not you're enjoying the movie, that is a total mood killer! It's retarded! Why should I have to do that? You should be able to download the movie file and watch it freely without having to worry about that. That's the whole point of UltraViolet, so why can't Netflix do it?
Well, this was a depressing start to 2013! I think I'll wash 2012 down with another two-hour-forty-minute movie, one that I actually like: The Dark Knight Rises! :) After all, I think it's high time I saw it again anyway!
I know it's just supposed to be a dumb blockbuster, but this script is so corny that it stops being ironically enjoyable and just becomes plain egregious. The movie constantly shifts focus between far too many characters, and all of them are as flat as can be.
And worst of all, the action scenes aren't the least bit exciting because they look as fake as it gets. Kudos to the animators for all the detail they put in, but it's still CG and it looks like shit! It looks so fake that it just makes you wish the whole movie was animated.
This movie is nearly two hours and forty minutes long, and it feels like it! It's boring as hell, but at least it's well shot. So I'll take this over a Michael Bay shit-fest any day!
My rating: 30%.
Also, on a side note, I should point out that I watched it on Netflix. And I'm seriously considering unsubscribing! It makes no sense to me why you should have to stream the movie online. What if you have a poor internet connection? The amount of times I had to pause the movie just to let the buffer catch up is just ludicrous! Regardless of whether or not you're enjoying the movie, that is a total mood killer! It's retarded! Why should I have to do that? You should be able to download the movie file and watch it freely without having to worry about that. That's the whole point of UltraViolet, so why can't Netflix do it?
Well, this was a depressing start to 2013! I think I'll wash 2012 down with another two-hour-forty-minute movie, one that I actually like: The Dark Knight Rises! :) After all, I think it's high time I saw it again anyway!
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